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“I love them, too.”
Maybe it would be enough, she thought. She could shower other people’s children with love. Be the best teacher ever. At least that way she was making a difference.
“I keep thinking about you rolling the car.” Greg’s voice was hoarse. “It’s giving me nightmares.”
“Me, too. It wasn’t my finest moment. I’d be a terrible getaway driver.” She tried to make a joke, but he didn’t laugh.
“The fact that you called your mom and not me wasn’t my finest moment either.”
She’d hurt his feelings. “Everyone wants their mom when they’re sick or injured.”
“You don’t. You’ve never had that kind of relationship with her.”
“We do now. We’re getting along well.” She’d never be able to describe the feeling she’d had when her mother had rushed into the emergency room to be by her side. That gesture of love and support had been everything she’d needed.
“A few months ago you would have called me the moment you did that test. You would have talked to me, instead of driving to some lonely spot on the beach road to suffer on your own.” He was pale. “Getting that call from your mother was bad, but seeing you in that hospital gown with all those tubes and doctors round you was the worst moment of my life.”
“I planned to call you with the good news of my pregnancy, but when there wasn’t one—” Her voice wobbled. “I’m sorry. I should have called, but you were so mad at me.”
“I wasn’t mad at you. I was mad at myself.”
“You were upset that I didn’t tell you about seeing my dad when I was young, and you were tired of me being fixated on babies. And I don’t blame you.
”
“That isn’t what was going on, Jenna.”
She felt exhausted. Too tired for the conversation she knew they should be having. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters. I was hurt that you didn’t tell me about your dad, that’s true. It was such a big deal for you and your sister, I couldn’t understand how you could have kept it from me. Don’t—” He pressed his fingers to her lips when she tried to speak. “Let me say this. I was afraid that what happened to you had something to do with the reason you chose me.”
“It did.” She saw his expression change and grabbed his hand. “Please listen! I loved my dad, but I never trusted him after that night. Even though I didn’t know he had other affairs, maybe some part of me knew that if he’d done it once he could do it again. I didn’t want that. I wanted a man I could trust. You were that man.”
“You’ve only ever been with me.” He slid his fingers under her chin and tilted her face. “Was it because you were too scared to spread your wings?”
“The reason I’ve only been with you is because you’re the only man I ever wanted. I was with you because I loved you. And I’m with you now because I love you. I always knew you were nothing like my father.”
He bent his head and kissed her. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you feel you couldn’t talk to me.” He spoke between kisses. “I don’t ever want you to feel that way again. There’s nothing we can’t talk about.”
“I know.” She put her arms round his neck. “And I’m going to stop being boring and fixated on babies and pregnancy.” Somehow, she had to. She knew she’d never forget how low she’d felt when she’d done that test. “I know you don’t want a baby as badly as I do—”
“That’s not true.” Greg took her hand and laced his fingers through hers. “I want a baby every bit as much as you do.”
“It doesn’t seem that way.”
He stared down at their joined hands. “Don’t you get it?” His voice was husky. “I love you, too. I loved you before I was even old enough to understand what the word meant. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy, Jenna. I want to make you happy. But I can’t give you the one thing you want most. How do you think that makes me feel?”
She stared at him.
It hadn’t occurred to her that he might be thinking that way.
“You told me you were tired of baby sex.”
“Because every time we have sex and we don’t make a baby, I feel like a failure. It’s hard to keep trying at something if you’re always failing.”
Jenna felt hot tears sting her eyes. “It isn’t your fault. It isn’t failure.”
“It feels that way to me. And I haven’t been handling it well.” He gave a faint smile. “I’m used to being top of the class, remember? I have to win at everything. Even in my job, I have to be the best.” There was a self-derision there that she hadn’t heard before. Greg was a winner. The golden boy.
