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“You assumed I was the same person I was seventeen years ago, but I can tell you that screwing up the most important decision of your life does tend to shake a person up.”
“I loved you.” The words didn’t begin to describe the depth and intensity of her feelings.
He rested his forehead against hers. “I loved you, too. I loved you so much I didn’t know what to do with all those feelings.”
Her cheeks were wet with tears. “I kept hoping you’d wake up one morning and realize you’d make a great father. Better than most because you’d lived alongside so many examples of bad parenting. I kept watching the harbor, hoping to see your boat. Hoping you’d change your mind.”
There was a long silence.
She could hear him breathing and see the indecision in his eyes.
“Scott?”
He released her suddenly and leaned his head back against the seat. “I did, but by then it was too late. You were already with Ed.”
“What do you mean?”
“Two weeks after you told me you were pregnant, I came back. I intended to talk to you, to see if we could find a way to make it work, although I don’t know what the hell I thought would happen. Fatherhood isn’t exactly something you try on for size and if it doesn’t fit you get to give it back.”
“You came back, but you didn’t come and find me?”
“I did.” His voice was thick. “You were on the beach with Ed.”
She tried to remember, but those early days after Scott had left had been a blur. What had he seen? What had he thought? “Why didn’t you come and talk to me?”
“Because the two of you were holding hands and someone nearby said wasn’t it romantic because it had been such a whirlwind. By the time I’d worked out what I wanted, it was too late.”
She felt a rush of despair. She hadn’t been holding hands with Ed, as much as clinging. She’d been drowning, and he’d been the only solid thing within reach. “So you decided on the strength of that one glimpse not to even let me know you’d had a change of heart?”
“You’d already agreed to marry Ed. I assumed you were in love with him.”
“I was in love with you. How could you have thought that would change?”
He stared straight ahead. “I guess I got used to people leaving. Not wanting me. My birth mother, and all the foster families I lived with afterward. My whole life, all I saw was people changing their minds about me. I didn’t know what permanence was. I didn’t know what commitment was. I did know it was a hell of a lot easier to walk away than to stay. When I saw that you’d moved on, I guess in a way it was what I’d expected.”
She lifted her hand to her throat, finding it hard to breathe. He’d come back. He’d changed his mind. “I hadn’t moved on. I was right there.”
“With him. And that was a good decision. And the fact that you didn’t see me was probably for the best, too.” He put his hand on the wheel and gripped it tightly even though they weren’t going anywhere. “If you’d seen me that day, you might have walked away from Ed and that would have been the wrong thing to do.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because you needed security. You deserved that. You would have been giving up a sure thing for a
bad risk.”
She saw the tension in his shoulders.
“You weren’t a bad risk. We could have—”
“No.” He pressed his fingers to his forehead and shook his head. “We’re not doing this. We will never know how that would have turned out and there’s no point in guessing. If I’d stayed, I might still have messed it up. Mack had stability. You gave her that. We’re going to accept that and move forward. I want to lend you money. I want you to take it.”
How could she say no? How could she possibly say no when there was so much emotion behind the gesture?
“I’ll take it.” She choked out the words. “Thank you.”
“There’s something else I want.”
Her heart kicked against her ribs. “Scott—”
