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“Oh, honey, you were you and he loved you. He wouldn’t have wanted you to be different.”
Mack felt her eyes sting again. “I wish now that I’d made him breakfast on his birthday. I was difficult to live with,” she muttered. “Do you think it was my fault he had a heart attack?”
“What? No!” Her mother sounded horrified. “Is that what you’ve been thinking?”
“Occasionally.” Mack gave an awkward shrug. Her mind was such a mess these days she couldn’t untangle any of it.
“Ed had heart disease. A damaged valve. That was what the report said. Nothing you said or did had any influence on what happened. The doctor said he was a ticking bomb.” Her grip on Mack’s hand tightened. “Sometimes, when someone dies, we blame ourselves. We’re trying to find a reason, but not everything has a reason. I blamed myself, too.”
“You?”
“Yes. For not insisting that he go to the doctor when he said he felt tired all the time. I should have made the appointment myself.”
“Dad was always useless at going to the doctor.” They exchanged a look of shared understanding.
“He really was.”
“I wish now I’d talked to you right away when I found my birth certificate.”
“We shouldn’t have kept it from you.”
Mack thought about what Nancy had said about never wanting your child to be unhappy. That made sense to her. And even if she might have argued that it was the wrong thing to do, she couldn’t argue with the sentiment behind the decision. Love. Who could argue with that? “You were trying to protect me. I get that. You wanted me to feel secure. I guess decisions aren’t always black-and-white.” It felt like an epiphany. Maybe it wasn’t so awful that she didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life yet. Maybe it was unrealistic to expect an answer to pop into her head. And maybe she wasn’t as bad a person as she thought she was.
Lauren sighed. “I loved Ed a great deal. I want you to know that. We had a good marriage and I have no doubt at all that if he hadn’t died we would have stayed married. I loved Ed, but I also loved Scott. I loved him in a way I didn’t think it was possible to love. I loved him so much that I couldn’t even be angry that he didn’t want us to be together. I understood him. I understood why. But I also wanted the best for you. I wanted you to have a stable home and love. After what I experienced with my own father, I wanted yours to be reliable.”
But he hadn’t been reliable, Mack thought. In the end Ed had let her mother down.
“Did everything in London have to be sold?”
“Yes. James called last night. Everything has finally been tied up.”
Mack wondered if that was another reason her mom was so upset. “So the house is gone and everything?”
“All of it.”
“That sucks.”
Her mother gave a tired smile. “It does, although part of me is pleased it’s over. It’s been hanging over me.”
Mack ached inside. She’d had no idea her mom was even thinking about that. “You must feel terrible. What about Nana? Has she been in touch?”
“No. I think she’s still very angry with me. And hurt.”
“But Ed knew everything, and Ed loved you. I mean, she could have blamed him for keeping it a secret. Why you?”
“She’s grieving. I hope that in time she might soften a little. This is tough on everyone.”
“Do you think I should write to her?”
“Would you like to?”
Mack thought about it. “I guess I would. I think Dad would have wanted me to.”
“I think so, too. I’ll give you her address.”
“She was so mean to you and you lost everything.”
“Not everything. I have you and Aunt Jenna and Grams. I have this place, this island. I still have hopes and dreams.”
