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No more feelings.
Feelings just led to misery and I was done with misery.
Not that I’d ever been the sort of girl to wait by the phone, willing it to ring. God, no. If a guy played those games with me, I deleted him from my contacts. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t be hurt. And frankly, what was the point?
‘I’ve made a New Year’s Resolution.’ I risked the dress and leaned closer to Rosie. ‘And I’m starting right now.’
‘You’re never wearing pukey-yellow again?’ She eyed my dress. ‘Good decision.’
I ignored her. ‘I’m sick of romantic relationships. Why bother? I can go to the movies with girlfriends. I can chat with girlfriends. I can laugh with girlfriends.’
‘That’s your New Year’s resolution?’
‘Everything I need in life I can get from girlfriends,’ I hissed, ‘apart from one thing—’
Rosie coughed. ‘Well, you can—’
‘No, I can’t. I need a man for that part. But only that part. From now on I’m using men for sex. Nothing else.’
‘Well, as resolutions go, I predict that one is going to be a lot more fun than giving up chocolate.’
I could always rely on my sister for support.
The more I thought about it, the more convinced I was it was a brilliant idea. ‘I should have thought of it before.’ I was talking out of the corner of my mouth, trying not to attract glares from the elderly aunts. ‘Instead of trying to find a man who can make me laugh and is actually interested in me, instead of wondering what I can do for his career, I look for one thing. Sex appeal.’
‘If all you??re interested in is sex appeal, you could start with Nico Rossi,’ Rosie whispered. ‘He is scorching hot.’
Not just me then.
The problem was, I didn’t want to find Nico sexy. I didn’t want to think of him naked or wonder how it would feel to be kissed by him. He didn’t like me. It disturbed my sense of order and fairness that I should find him attractive.
I looked away, but not for long.
I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked another look. It was some consolation that every other woman under ninety was staring, too. If ever there was such a thing as raw sex appeal, Nico had it. He was the sort of guy that made you think about sin in a big way, which wasn’t a good thing when you were sitting in church with your breasts half exposed.
I couldn’t wait to get to the bathroom so that I could unzip my dress and give my ribs the freedom they deserved.
When was this wedding going to end?
Enough already.
Just say I do and go and live your lives until your realize what you should have said was I don’t.
But now they were staring into each other’s eyes and reciting handwritten personalized messages.
I promise to love you forever and cherish you.
I promise never to cancel your subscription to the sports channel.
(OK I made that one up but you get the point.)
I wriggled in my seat, wondering whether Nico Rossi spoke in Italian when he was having sex. He’d brought his younger sister to the wedding—a sleek, dark vision of slender perfection. She was poised and sophisticated, just like him. Every now and then she glanced at him adoringly, as if he were a god. It seemed unnatural to me. I mean, I loved my sister but there were plenty of days I wanted to poke her in the eye. But these were perfect people who would never show emotion in public. They probably never argued. They were the sort who believed marriage to be an exciting journey.
I was always sick on journeys.
Thanks to our parents’ less than stellar example, my sister and I were both equally screwed-up about relationships. Not that there weren’t men in our lives. Far from it. Men were always attracted by Rosie’s sweet, heart-shaped face and her pretty smile. They thought she was fragile and needed protecting. Then they discovered my sister had a black belt in karate and could break a man’s bones with one kick and they usually retreated nervously, licking their wounded machismo.
There was a guy once, but if I so much as thought his name she’d break my bones, too, so it was a subject I didn’t touch.
