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He spoke first. ‘I’m sorry.’ His voice was thickened and his broad shoulders were rigid with tension. He was probably wondering what the hell he’d just done. I wondered if he was panicking in case I turned into that needy, clingy teenage version of myself. In fairness, that was the only version he’d ever known.
‘Well—’ my voice sounded husky ‘—that saves me buying batteries on my way home.’ I managed what I hoped was a seductive smile. ‘Thank you.’
Without giving him time to respond, I scooped up the bag I’d dropped and walked jauntily out of the changing rooms—which turned out to be a major challenge on shaking legs.
Only when I was safely out of the building and on the street did I allow myself to react.
I leaned against the wall for support and closed my eyes.
* * *
‘You kissed him?’ Hayley handed me a large glass of wine. ‘You were going to ignore him and somehow ended up kissing him? How did that happen?’
‘Turns out I have no willpower. And it was a bit more than kissing.’
My sister was sprawled on the floor surrounded by papers. She’d been working all day and a light glowed on her laptop.
It was Saturday night and for the first time in ages we weren’t going out.
We’d ordered pizza and eaten it out of the box, slice by glorious slice, wearing our PJs, because if you couldn’t be bothered to use plates, you certainly couldn’t be bothered to get dressed.
‘So how was it?’ Hayley sipped her wine. ‘Pretty boring and disappointing, right?’ My silence must have answered her question, because she leaned across and filled my wineglass to the brim. ‘You know your problem, don’t you?’
‘You don’t need to list my problems. Brian already did that. It’s a good job we broke up or my birthday gift from him would have been cake decorating classes.’
‘Forget Brian. He didn’t like the real you and every woman deserves a man who loves her the way she is.’ She looked at me and I knew she was thinking about Mum. Dad had known exactly what he wanted in a woman. Mum wasn’t it, but he’d married her anyway and tried to mould her into the person he wanted her to be. By the time he decided to upgrade, Mum was so misshapen she’d lost her real self under the fake version.
‘We don’t always get what we deserve,’ I reminded Hayley darkly, and her cheeks dimpled into a wicked smile.
‘I’m getting what I deserve. Several times a night.’
‘Thanks. I really needed to hear that.’
But I was pleased for her because she didn’t find this dating thing easy either.
Hayley was an engineer and men always found her job threatening. Apart from Nico. He was the first man she’d met who understood what she did. He found it cool that she knew her atoms from her assholes. In fact, they’d finally got it together at the wedding of the biggest asshole of them all—her ex.
‘Sounds as if you just got what you deserved, too. You just need more of it. I’m planning your birthday, by the way.’
I felt a rush of warmth and love for my sister.
Hayley always organized my birthday parties. Not at the beginning, of course. To begin with we’d left it up to Mum and Dad because we’d been naive enough to think parties were their domain. That all changed on my ninth birthday. Some kids had entertainers—we had our parents. Dad hurled one of my presents at Mum (it was Cheerleader Barbie) and gave her a black eye. I think my friends thought they were watching a juggling act until Mum picked up the knife she’d put ready to cut my cake. After that it got a bit real.
From then on Hayley had taken over. Usually she talked a friend into holding it at their house so there was less chance of parental embarrassment. And most of our friends’ parents felt so sorry for us they were happy to co-operate. We were ‘those poor Miller sisters.’ We were talked about in hushed voices with much pursing of lips and barely concealed sympathy. We were fed extra cakes and sugary treats as if an excess of chocolate frosting and blocked arteries might somehow compensate for the fact we were emotionally starved.
They felt sorry for us, but in some ways we felt lucky.
We had each other and we shared a bond none of our friends had with their siblings.
In fact, it was my parents who were responsible for me taking up karate. When they finally decided to part, they were determined to split everything evenly down the middle. Mum got the bed, so Dad took the sofa. She had the cat; he took the dog. It worked so neatly they decided to do the same with the kids. She was going to have Hayley and I was going with Dad. We didn’t much care which parent we lived with but there was no way they were splitting us up. I won’t bore you with the details but let’s just say they didn’t try that again.
But I’d taken up karate just in case.
I looked at my sister. My family. ‘What I really want for my birthday is a decent sex life.’
‘Oh no!’ She pretended to look alarmed. ‘That means I’ll have to cancel those cake decorating classes I booked for you.’
‘You’re not funny.’ But I was laughing because the idea of my sister booking me cake decorating classes was hilarious. Not that I’m a bad cook, but you won’t find me twirling cute patterns on the tops of cupcakes.
