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‘But now you’re not busy, so you can listen to what I have to say.’
‘Sure.’ I shrugged and strolled to the glass, pretending to look at the view. I kept my back to him. Easier to control my body language that way.
It bothered me that just occupying the same space as him could have this effect on me.
The capsule rose slowly and I could see London spread out beneath our feet. Lights flickered across the dark surface of the river. It would have been captivating if I hadn’t been a captive. I saw his reflection in the glass and knew he was standing right behind me.
‘I want to talk about why I left.’
‘I already know. I was clingy.’
‘That isn’t why.’ He curved his hands over my shoulders and I wished there were an emergency exit or something, because the last thing I wanted or needed was to think about that time in my life. I’d die of embarrassment and I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to be good for tourism having a corpse in this capsule.
‘We don’t need to talk about this. I don’t blame you. I understand.’
‘No, you don’t understand.’ His tone was raw and his hands tightened on my sho
ulders. ‘I didn’t leave because I didn’t care. You didn’t drive me away. I left because I knew it was the right thing to do. But leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.’
I stood still. ‘It was hard?’
‘I was crazy about you.’
My stomach curled. I felt a wild flutter of excitement that I killed instantly. ‘That makes no sense.’
‘When we met, you were vulnerable. Lonely and, yes, pretty messed up. I wasn’t sure of your feelings.’ He breathed deeply. ‘You were emotionally raw. Would you have wanted to be with me if that hadn’t been the case?’
I wondered how he could possibly have come to that conclusion. ‘I was crazy about you, too. We spent every minute together.’
‘Exactly.’ He paused, his mouth tight. ‘And I didn’t want that responsibility. It didn’t feel right to me. It was too close to what my mother did. And yes, I was scared. I was afraid of letting you down, of failing you.’
‘So you went to Thailand?’
‘There were plenty of other places I could have trained, Rosie.’ He turned me gently so I was forced to look at him. ‘Why do you think I picked Thailand?’
‘Because you wanted to get as far away from me as possible.’
He gave a humourless laugh. ‘You’re so wrong about that.’
‘You always wanted to train in Thailand.’
‘Train, yes. Not move there.’ His tone was raw. ‘I did it because I loved you and I wasn’t good for you. I left because I knew if I didn’t, we’d start it up again.’
My knees were shaking. ‘You loved me?’
‘You know I did.’
‘No, I didn’t know! You never said.’
‘Maybe not those exact words, but I thought it was obvious. Do you remember your eighteenth birthday?’
‘Vaguely.’ I saw him smile and I couldn’t help it—I smiled, too. Crap. I was hopeless at playing it cool. ‘Oh, all right, yes, I remember it. Mostly because you drove too fast.’ And because he’d made it special. Every kiss, every stroke, every gentle touch, had made sure my first time would be the best. The way he’d held my head as he’d kissed me, taken his slow, thorough time to take our relationship to the next level. ‘We had sex. It was no big deal.’ It had been the biggest deal of my life.
‘Everything changed. Our relationship was so serious, so intense. You were so afraid to go and live your life. Instead you clung to the safe option, the familiar.’
‘Now we’re getting to the embarrassing bit,’ I muttered, but he simply smiled and scooped my face into his hands. What I saw in his eyes made me dizzy. ‘I don’t blame you for going to Thailand, although it was a long way to go to avoid me.’
‘I wasn’t avoiding you. I didn’t trust myself. I knew if you were there, under my nose, I’d want you back. I knew what I wanted.’ His voice was raw. ‘It was you I wasn’t sure of. I wasn’t sure you knew what you wanted and then you started giving things up for me and that made my decision.’
