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‘Don’t look so surprised. I did kiss you.’
‘I know,’ she breathed, ‘but that was heat-of-the-moment stuff. That was probably gratitude and affection that got a little out of hand, that’s all.’
He smiled dryly. ‘It wasn’t, and it wasn’t the first time I’d thought of you in that way either. Oh—’ he grimaced ‘—I told myself the same thing then. I also told myself—’ He stopped and got up and came round her side of the table.
He pulled out a chair, turned it and sat down facing her. ‘Alex, I kissed you because I couldn’t help myself, but then I knew I had to end it before you got seriously hurt. That’s why I did what I did. I didn’t know,’ he said intensely, ‘how I was going to handle Cathy and Nicky, most particularly Nicky, without marrying Cathy and somehow trying to make a go of it. I didn’t know then,’ he added barely audibly, ‘how, once you were gone, I was going to feel.’ ‘How did you feel?’
He sat forward with his hands on his knees. ‘I woke up one morning and thought—if I don’t ever see her smile at me again, suddenly and when I’m least expecting it, my life’s not going to be worth living.’
Alex looked astonished.
‘It took me by surprise too,’ he said ruefully. ‘It also opened the floodgates. I think I recalled with perfect clarity just about every word you ever said to me. I remembered the couple of times I’d held you in my arms, and, not only the lovely feel of you, but every time I remembered them, I got worried in case you were having panic attacks and I wasn’t there to help you.
‘I couldn’t walk into the green room in Brisbane without picturing you; same for the pink room here, same for the barbecue and the den. Mrs Mills asked me what to do with the clothes you’d left behind. I told her to leave them where they were—I sometimes went in and looked at them.’ He lifted his shoulders. ‘Every time I touched the first outfit you wore to the cocktail party, I thought of your legs—although, actually, it was your eyes that got me in first.’
Alex blinked.
‘Remember the first interview?’ She nodded.
‘When I asked you to take off your glasses? That’s what changed my mind about you, Alex, those beautiful eyes. They exerted a strange power over me then and have done so ever since. So—’ he sat back and folded his arms ‘—after working things out so neatly, like distancing myself from you, like organizing things to help you over it, what should happen?’
He let a beat go by, then answered his question with obvious irony. ‘I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I was restless and edgy—someone actually called me a difficult, dangerous bastard to my face—but not over the things everyone thought I was restless and edgy about.’ He shrugged. ‘I was lonely, so damn lonely.’
Their gazes locked and Alex felt a tremor of hope run through her, but there were still questions on her mind.
‘But … but Cathy,’ she said, then couldn’t go on.
‘Cathy was at a low ebb when she suggested we get married. Not only was her mother a real prop—and losing her father before she was born had to contribute to that—but, unlike you, it was Cathy’s first close-up brush with mortality. I think all of that made her rethink things like our core differences and convince herself we could overcome them and—and made her try to rekindle the spark.’
Alex’s eyes widened.
‘It didn’t work,’ he said. ‘And she worked out why.’
Alex looked a question at him.
‘Yes, you,’ he replied. ‘Cathy’s no fool. She was also—gallant. She said how fortunate it was someone Nicky seemed to love. And she’s been very generous over the practicalities of bringing up Nicky. She’s moved to Brisbane—I know it’s to her advantage as well, but it means I won’t have to fly to Perth for school sports days, birthdays and so on.’
‘I hope she finds someone,’ Alex said.
‘Yes. And Nicky, well, he may question things when he gets older, but he seems to love me and he seems to trust me now. We got to do a lot of things together before the accident, and even after it he brought me jigsaw puzzles and books and we took up model-making. He even offered me Nemo for company when he couldn’t be there.’
‘I wish I’d known,’ Alex said involuntarily. ‘About the accident.’
He sat forward again. ‘I nearly sent for you so many times but I was gripped by all sorts of doubts. Would I ever be able to walk again? Was I the right person for you, anyway? Had it been a fleeting crush? According to Mr Li you were doing just fine.’
‘I wondered about that,’ she murmured.
‘If I was keeping tabs on you? I was.’ He looked grim for a moment. ‘If I was expecting to hear you’d gon
e into a decline, that wasn’t the news I got. But …’ he paused ‘.Alex, my biggest doubt the more I thought about it was—even if it had happened for you, you hadn’t wanted to fall in love with me.’ He frowned. ‘I know circumstances made it a highly questionable thing to do at the time, but—was there more to it?’
A deep tremor ran through Alex, a feeling of having been understood that was extraordinarily precious. ‘Yes. After my parents and my Mother Superior died I couldn’t bring myself to get too close to anyone. So I was petrified over what I felt for you. Even up until yesterday, I think the last remnants of that fear made me say the things I did, but afterwards I realized I was only thinking of me, and that was cowardly.’
She saw him take an uneven breath.
‘Yesterday,’ he said, ‘my worst nightmare seemed to come true. That it was all over for you.’
‘Yesterday I didn’t know what I know now,’ she said quietly. ‘Yesterday, and so many yesterdays, have been like a living nightmare, without you.’
