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‘You can hardly blame him for that.’
Kyla thought of her brother and her heart ached. ‘I don’t blame him for anything. But I know he blames himself. He carries it with him all the time.’
‘Having seen your brother work, I know that he would have done everything that could have been done, and he did more for
Catherine than anyone else had ever done for her in her life. I wish I could have known the Catherine that she became.’ Ethan’s voice was gruff with emotion. ‘When I read that letter I felt a tremendous sense of loss. Not for what we had, but for what I sensed we could have had. Those early years were too traumatic for both of us and we were too young to be able to adapt. You describe a Catherine who was happy and yet I’d never known her that way. So I wanted to come and see for myself. I suppose although it was too late to change my relationship with her, it wasn’t too late to alter the picture in my head. I wanted to change my memories. I wanted to understand her.’
‘And have you done that?’
‘I’m getting there.’ He stared across the sea, his expression distant. ‘I’m definitely getting there.’
‘And you told Logan who you are?’
‘Yes. He seemed pleased that Kirsty has more family.’ Ethan’s mouth flickered into a self-deprecating smile. ‘Which just goes to show that they know me less well than you do. I’m not sure that I’m going to be the right sort of family for Kirsty.’
Kyla frowned. ‘What do you mean, the right sort of family? Family is family. None of us is perfect but we all do the best we can and we’re all there for each other.’
He turned to look at her. ‘But that’s the bit I’m not so good at, isn’t it? Family, for me, has been no more than a word, but for you it’s a way of life. Your family is reliable and sticks around no matter what. Your family shares. I’m no good at any of those things. I’m used to packing my bags and living where I want to live without thinking about another person’s needs or happiness. I’m used to not needing anyone and to not being needed.’
Kyla looked at him, wondering what it must feel like to be so disconnected from the people around you. ‘That sounds a lonely way to live your life, Dr Walker,’ she whispered, and his eyes lingered on hers.
‘It’s the only way I know.’
‘Feeling needed is good, and needing someone is good, too. For me, it’s what life is all about.’ She looked into his eyes and she willed him to kiss her the way he’d kissed her in the dawn light at the ruined castle. But he didn’t move. He simply stood there, his eyes on her face, as if searching for something that he couldn’t quite find.
And then he thrust his hands in his pockets and turned and headed across the beach and back to the cottage.
So this was how it felt, Kyla thought bleakly, blinking furiously to clear her vision. This was how it felt to be heartbroken.
Now she knew.
And the pain was worse than she could possibly have imagined.
‘So that was it?’ Evanna frowned at Kyla from across the best table in the café. It was right in the window and had a perfect view of the ferry and the quay. ‘He didn’t say anything about the two of you?’
‘Nothing.’ Kyla stabbed her triple chocolate ice cream with the tip of her spoon, wondering why she felt so totally flat and dejected. ‘I really need to pull myself together. I’m being pathetic.’
‘And what about you? Didn’t you say anything to him?’
‘What was I supposed to do? Beg?’ Kyla frowned and lifted the spoon to her mouth, but the cold chocolate hit did nothing for her. ‘I do have some pride, Evanna.’
‘But he doesn’t know how you feel.’
‘I think it’s his own feelings that are the problem,’ Kyla said gloomily, putting the spoon down and staring out of the window as the ferry pulled away from the dock on the start of its crossing to the mainland. ‘You said that the man had issues, and you’re right. The man has issues.’
‘And you’re going to let that stop you?’
Kyla pushed the ice cream away from her. ‘What do you suggest? That I hang a banner on the front of my cottage, declaring my intentions?’
Evanna grinned. ‘In the old days you would have carved his name on your desk. ‘K loves E. And Miss Carne would have put you in detention.’
‘I feel as though I’m in permanent detention.’
Evanna reached across the table and squeezed her hand. ‘It’s not like you to give up. What’s he going to do now, do you know? Is he leaving?’
‘He hasn’t said.’ Kyla gave a humourless laugh. ‘That would be giving something away, wouldn’t it? And Ethan never gives anything away. I dare say the first I’ll know of it is when Jim tells me he’s driven that flash car of his onto the ferry.’
‘You need to speak to him.’
