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Appalled at her own weakness, Holly closed her eyes. ‘I was about to kick you but the baby did it for me.’
‘You were about to forgive me,’ Casper said confidently, and she opened her eyes and looked up at him.
‘So is that what it was all about this time? Apology sex?’
Casper didn’t answer for a moment, his hand unsteady as he stroked her hair away from her face. ‘It was love sex, tesoro,’ he said huskily, and Holly stilled.
It was like seeing a shimmer of water in the desert.
Real or a mirage?
‘Love sex?’ She was almost afraid to say the words. ‘What do you mean, “love sex”?’
‘I mean that I love you.’
Her heart was thudding. ‘You told me that you weren’t capable of love.’
‘I was wrong. And I was trying to show you I was wrong. I think I express myself better physically than verbally.’ His eyes gleamed with self-mockery. ‘I was always better at maths than English. I?
??m the cold, analytical type, remember?’
A warm feeling spread through Holly’s limbs and she started to tremble. ‘Actually, that isn’t true,’ she said gently. ‘You’re very good with words.’
‘But hopeless at matching them to the right emotion, if my lack of success at an apology is anything to go by.’ Gently, he stroked a hand over her cheek. ‘I love you, Holly. I think I loved you from the first moment I saw you. You were warm, gorgeous, sexy.’ His eyes flickered to her mouth. ‘You were so sexy I couldn’t keep my hands off you.’
‘And the moment we’d had sex, you wanted me to leave. Stop dressing it up, Casper. I’m not stupid.’
‘I am the one who has been stupid,’ he confessed in a raw tone. ‘Stupid for not seeing what was under my nose. When we had sex the day of the rugby, I didn’t know what had happened. I was living this crazy, cold, empty existence, and suddenly there you were. I was shocked by how I felt about you. I actually did think that you were different—and then you kissed me in the window.’
‘You thought I’d done it for a photo opportunity.’
‘Yes.’ He didn’t shrink from the truth. ‘That is what I thought. And everything that happened after that seemed to back up my suspicions. You hid from the world and then announced that you were pregnant. It seemed to me that you were trying to make maximum impact from the story.’
‘From your description, I should obviously be considering a career in public relations.’
‘You have to understand that, when you’re in the public eye, these things happen. You grow to expect them.’ Casper drew away from her and sat up, his gaze thoughtful. ‘Women have always wanted me for what I can give them. Even Antonia, who I thought loved me.’
Holly pulled a face. ‘Yes, well, I can see why your experience with her made you very suspicious of women. I’m not stupid.’
‘No, you’re certainly not. And I’m not blaming Antonia. The blame lies entirely with myself.’ Casper’s admission was delivered with uncharacteristic self-deprecation. ‘I allowed myself to see only bad in women, I expected only bad from women. And the chances of you having become pregnant on that one single occasion when I’d been told I was infertile—to have believed your story would have required a better man than me.’
‘You’re obviously super-fertile.’
He gave an aggressively masculine smile. ‘So it would seem. And now I need to ask you something.’ The smile faded and there was an unusual vulnerability in his dark eyes. ‘Do you still love me? Can you still love me? You haven’t said those words for a long time.’
Holly swallowed, her heart thudding hard. ‘You didn’t want to hear them,’ she whispered. ‘When I said them, or when I showed affection, you backed off. I didn’t want to scare you away.’
‘I taught myself to block out emotion because it was the only way I could survive,’ Casper said roughly, leaning forwards and cupping her face in his hands. ‘And I’m still waiting for you to answer my question.’
‘I’m scared even to say the words,’ she admitted with a strangled laugh. ‘In case the whole bubble pops.’
‘Say you can still love me, Holly. I need to hear you say it.’
‘I never stopped loving you,’ she said softly. ‘I just stopped saying it because it upset you. That’s another thing that “I love you” means to me. It means for ever. True love isn’t something you can switch on and off, Casper. It’s always there, sometimes when you’d rather it wasn’t.’
Casper’s breathing fractured, and he hauled her into his arms and held her tightly. ‘Don’t say that, because it reminds me how much I hurt you, and you have no idea how guilty I feel. You must have felt so alone, but I swear to you that you will never feel alone again.’
‘I don’t want you to feel guilty. I love you so much.’
