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When I got home, I fell to my bed and cried. Hating how mad I was at him for rejecting me.
Hating that he was ashamed of what we’d done.
Hating that he was the one to stop it.
Hating him because he’d made me feel so good.
Hating him for saying everything he’d said.
Hating him because I didn’t really hate him at all.
And that made me feel as immature and naive as he probably saw me.
20
Callum
Oaklyn barely made eye contact with me the entire time in class the next day, and I’d know if she had considering I stared at her the whole time. At least as much as I could without sending alarm bells to everyone in the class. I couldn’t even blame her. She had every right to never acknowledge my existence ever again.
What the hell had I been thinking? After talking to Reed, I was too close to seeing reason in his suggestions that I give in, so I’d taken a huge step back, not wanting to tempt myself. I’d probably been colder than I should have been, but I hadn’t wanted to not have her around. So, as I remained indifferent, I gave her menial tasks to keep her late, making her stay until I was ready to walk out way past everyone else leaving. I liked listening to her putter around when the rest of the office was silent. I could’ve almost imagined that she wanted to be there.
Except for last night when she’d had enough and stormed in, a ball of fire. She’d stomped in refusing to take my shit, and she’d lit a match inside me. I’d had such a short fuse, that the smallest spark was going to detonate it. The explosion had burned bright and consumed us both. When she’d thrown her temper tantrum and asked me what I saw when I looked at her, I saw the vulnerability. I saw the hurt, and it had pulled the honesty right out of me. It had tugged and tugged until my body was being honest right along with my words.
Too bad my body had lied to me thinking it could follow through with what I’d started. I’d believed that as long as I focused, I’d be fine. Then she’d fallen to her knees and the sweating began. Then the tremors. I’d tried to relax, tried to think of anything else, but when her small hand had brushed against my dick, I’d panicked. My body reacted on instinct, jerking back, and she’d looked at me with so much confusion that I hadn’t been able to hold her pained gaze.
I’d hated seeing her cry. Hated that I’d hurt her.
As much as I knew she deserved to shut me out, I couldn’t let her. I needed to find a way to make it right. Maybe if I said the right words, I could buy myself time. Like I had with the other women I’d been with when I hadn’t been ready to be alone again.
With Oaklyn though, it wasn’t about being alone. I wasn’t ready to let go of her or the picture of a normal future she conjured so easily in my head. The feeling in my chest at her laugh and sense of humor. The sheer need that consumed me when she looked at me. Yes, she was beautiful and sexy, and I desired her more than any other woman, but I’d never wanted like I did when I thought of her. I’d never felt like I could actually achieve my desires as much as I did when I was near her. I wasn’t ready to let go.
I needed to talk to her. Explain to her. Something. Anything.
Maybe she’d understand if I told her. If I admitted my demons.
No. It wasn’t possible. I’d find another way.
But that chance didn’t come as she bolted out of class. It didn’t come when I missed her on Friday. Meetings consumed my day, one right after the next. I barely got a glimpse of her as I walked into the office to see her saying goodbye to Donna. I did, however, hear her say she had to work tonight when Donna asked her about her plans.
I’d become desperate enough to track her down anywhere. I couldn’t wait for the whole weekend to pass before I got another chance. Which was how I ended up outside Voyeur close to midnight. I’d gone home and attempted to try and talk myself out of coming, but I’d failed.
Oaklyn stood at the bar when I walked in. Not hesitating, I made my way over to her.
“Beer and a water?” Charlotte asked me when I leaned against the bar next to Oaklyn.
“Just the water, thanks.”
Oaklyn rolled her lips between her teeth. I remembered what they tasted like, the way they felt pressed against mine, and I knew, despite how wrong it was, that I was in the right place, doing the right thing with her. My body came more alive just looking at her than it had in years.
