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Listening to her heartbeat, I tried to match my breathing to it. Tried to match the slow rise and fall of her chest. Tried to get lost in the heat of her skin pressing to my cheek. My other hand leisurely stroked across her stomach, fighting the urge to wrap tight around her and squeeze her to me as if I could make us one. As if she were closer, I could use her strength and finally let it all go.
As I held her, she held me. Her fingers slipping softly between the strands of my hair, sending goose bumps down my neck and back. She never tried to push me to talk about it, never made a big deal out of the way my body trembled against hers. She just held me as I came down from my nightmare.
When the shaking finally stopped, she asked, “Do you want to head to your room?”
“Yeah,” I agreed, embarrassed. “I don’t want to, but it may be for the best.”
Thank god she couldn’t see the fire burning my cheeks in the dark.
“Okay.” She placed a soft kiss to the crown of my head and we sat up. I hadn’t expected her to hold my hand and lead the way, but she did like it was her own home. I showed her which door was mine and she didn’t unlink our fingers until we reached my bed. With a gentle kiss to my chest she let go of my hand and walked toward the bathroom. She filled up one of the cups next to the sink and brought it back to me where I stood frozen, watching her movements in the dark.
“Drink. It’ll help.”
I dutifully took the cup and drank it all. She grabbed it from me and set it on the nightstand before ordering me to lay down. I almost laughed at the way she tucked me in, but it died before it started when she leaned over me and pushed my hair back from my face. Her golden eyes seemed to glow in the darkness and shine a light for me.
“You are one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever known, and I’m so grateful for any of the trust you place in me.”
I lifted my hand to her cheek and brushed my thumb across the soft skin before pulling her down for a kiss.
“I’m a fucking lucky man,” I whispered against her lips.
She gave one last kiss. “I’ll be right down the hall. Have sweet dreams, Cal.”
I did.
I dreamed of making love to her under the stars.
25
Oaklyn
You’re on a stage. Just like an actress on Broadway.
They had to get naked and at least pretend to perform sexual acts too. This was exactly the same.
But no matter how many times I tried to remind myself of the all the things I’d said before, nothing rid me of the weight pressing down on my chest.
Staring at the ceiling, I tried to focus. I tried to make my body move in ways that made me appear turned on, like I was on the verge of an orgasm as I worked my hand between my legs.
What would Callum think?
I let out a soft moan, hoping the sound would hold me in the moment and not take me to Callum. I couldn’t think about him when I was doing my job. And that’s exactly what this was. A job. He had to understand that.
It wasn’t like we were exclusive or anything, or had any claim on each other, but no matter how hard I tried to remind myself, my chest ached thinking about him. He already knew this about me.
He never outright said how much he hated it, but he’d stopped coming to the club. I could hear the irritation in his voice every time I mentioned work.
Instead of climaxing like I should’ve been doing, I was struggling to focus.
I forced my moans louder, writhing my hips harder, moving my hand faster, and then I tensed, faking the orgasm. I just needed it to end.
After the light finally turned red, I lay there on the bed, feeling the weight growing heavier and heavier as I tried to picture myself from Callum’s eyes.
And for the first time since working there, I felt true shame.
It followed me out of the room. It hung over me as I removed my name from any more performances. There was no way I could be anything but sullen right then. After I managed to plaster on a fake smile and serve customers for the rest of my shift, I sat in the employee lounge, putting on my canvas tennis shoes when Jackson came strolling in.
“Please stay a little longer and agree to a sex scene with me,” he asked, giving me his best puppy dog eyes. I almost laughed because he knew they didn’t affect me.
