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“Zander?” Mom saying my name alerted me that I must have been quiet for too long.
“Sorry. Yeah. One week. I can’t wait. I miss you.”
“I miss you too, sweet boy. I’m so proud of you, the first of us to graduate from college, and now you’re going to mold young minds. You’re going to do great things. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you.”
“Thanks, Mama.” With each word she spoke, it felt like another block of pressure being added to my shoulders. She didn’t mean it that way. She was the last person to do something like that. I did it to myself. I could acknowledge that, see it, but it didn’t change the effect it had on me.
“Anything else? Any young men I should know about?”
A flash of Harrison flickered through my head. Harrison, who I was not supposed to be thinking about that way. Nope, totally didn’t want to have sex with him…which was a lie…and he was closer to my mom’s age than mine. Jesus, what would she think? Not that she would ever know, because Harrison and I weren’t fucking again, and even if we did, that was still no reason for Mom to ever know, but we weren’t and… Shit, my thoughts were spinning out of control. That didn’t happen too often anymore, not with my meds, but it did sometimes when I was really stressed out or emotional about something. That was usually a good time to go for a jog or do something physical. It always helped.
“Zander?” Mom asked again. “Are you okay? You’re taking your meds?”
“Yeah. Sorry. I’m feeling a little out of it, but it’s just because I have a lot going on.”
“Are you sure? Do you need something? You’re not trying to do too much, are you? Because—”
“No, no. I’m fine. I promise. And nope, there are no guys.” She always asked me that, and my reply was always the same. I hadn’t told her I’d sworn off relationships because I knew she’d feel it was her fault or that she did something wrong when she didn’t. It just wasn’t how I rolled.
We talked for a while longer before getting off the phone. I was still feeling slightly jittery and like I couldn’t calm down, so I cleaned the condo, which didn’t really need it, then headed to my room to organize some of the things for my classroom. I started thinking about clothes and what I was going to wear, and holy shit, should I get new clothes? And what if my car decided to crap out on me? What would I do then?
I picked up The Picture of Dorian Gray, which was by my futon, on the small table that was my newest thrift-store find. I tried to read, but it wasn’t happening.
I shoved to my feet, headed over to my dresser, pulled out shorts and a tee, and changed, then went to the park for a jog. I hated that everything was getting to me so badly. It made me feel like a failure, like I was going to screw up. Having my own class was totally different from when I was student teaching. This was real, permanent, just me.
Luckily, jogging helped, and I was able to clear my head and lower my stress level. I went again the next morning with Harrison. We were a bit ridiculous. So far, we just conveniently ran into each other every morning when we jogged at the same time, as if it wasn’t planned. We chatted about random things, laughed, then went on our way, still pretending we weren’t meeting up on purpose. Harrison must have been done with the games, though, because he asked, “Should we make this official?”
“Are you asking me to date you? I told you already—no relationships for me,” I teased.
“Don’t you wish,” he joked back. “Actually, I’ve decided I don’t even want to have sex with you anymore. I just like being friends.”
“Pfft.” I ignored the stab of disappointment that had no business piercing me.
“Pfft? Pfft, what?”
“Having trouble breathing while jogging?”
Harrison rolled his eyes. “Wanna race?”
I stopped, cocked my head at him. “Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
“Why would I do that?”
“So I can prove how badass I am?” He waggled his brows. “I don’t know. I have no idea why I said that. You seem a little down, though. If you win, I’m sure it will lift your spirits, and if I do…well, I have bragging rights, youngster.”
He was…so different, so surprising. I’d never known anyone like Harrison before, and honestly, I couldn’t figure out what to say to him. He’d asked me to race him…and he could tell something was off with me. Harrison noticed things no one else did, and it both put me on edge and made me feel seen. Still not sure how to respond, I went for playful. “Um, first, never call someone that if you’ve had your dick inside them. And second, there’s no possibility you’re winning.”
