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Warren opened his mouth to respond, but I continued first. “And then we have Ross. I care what he thinks too, and it’s one thing for Zander and me to fuck once in a while, but what if we became more? Doesn’t that make me an asshole father? Taking his best friend? Are we supposed to be some big happy family? Suddenly Ross’s buddy who means a lot to him is his stepdad who’s only two years older than he is. How awkward would that be for all of us?”
“Ross doesn’t need a stepdad. He already has three fathers.” Warren pointed to all of us. “He’s the kindest, most well-adjusted, accepting person I know. Talk to Ross, and he’ll be fine. Even if it is weird for a while, you all just keep open the lines of communication, and you’ll figure it out. If Zander is anything like you and Ross—and it sounds like he is—then what will matter most is being happy and the people you care about being happy. That’s always the most important thing to you when it comes to your son, and I know him well enough to know he feels the same. It might take some adjusting, but hell, a lot of things in life do.”
Theoretically, he was right. If I told Ross I wanted to be with Zander, he would be okay, but I didn’t think that was what Zander wanted. And if he did, I wasn’t sure he would allow himself to have it. “None of this matters if Zander doesn’t feel the same.” That was…a hard pill to swallow. I wasn’t saying I was in love with him, but I did want more. I’d never had that. Even with Tracy, when she left, I hurt, but I was okay. All that had mattered was Ross.
And now here I was, falling for someone for what might be the first time in my forty-one years, and he was a twenty-four-year-old who had no interest in settling down with someone, or at least not with me.
“Oh God. I don’t think I’ve ever sounded so poor me in my life. Someone shut me up. I’m finished with this conversation.”
Warren scooted closer, nudged me with his arm. “You know, it’s okay to put yourself first now, to focus on your happiness. You want that for everyone else around you, fight like hell to help them get it, but I don’t know if you realize it’s okay for you too. You’ve raised an incredible son, and you did it on your own. You’re probably the world’s best father, but now Ross is twenty-two, and despite the wrinkles around your eyes, you’re still fairly young.” He grinned.
“I hate you.”
“No, you don’t. You love me. But…I’m not sure you truly believe your life is your own now. You’ll always be a father, yes, but you don’t have to be afraid to go for what you want. You don’t have to keep things casual in case Ross ever needs you. Harrison, you deserve love too.”
I knew that. I did. Didn’t I? How could I not?
“Talk to Zander. He might surprise you. If not, the longer you keep this going—and the longer you pretend to only want this ridiculous no-strings-attached arrangement—the more it’s gonna hurt you in the end.”
He had a point. I hadn’t figured out if I planned to do anything about it, but Warren was right. I looked at George. “How do you deal with him?”
“It’s tough, but someone has to do it. And for what it’s worth, I’m Team Warren. He’s spot-on with this one.”
“Yeah, yeah. You have to think that because you’re in love with him.” I nodded toward the house. “I think I need another beer.”
Warren clapped me on the shoulder. “Lead the way, my friend. Lead the way.”
When I got the first swallow down, my thoughts went back to Zander. Had he reached his mom’s? Was he enjoying himself? Did he think about me the way I did about him?
I shut those thoughts down and tried to enjoy the night with my friends.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Zander
“Look at you…my son, the teacher,” Mom said, using her cane to walk into the kitchen.
“Sit down, Mama. I already started the coffee.” I didn’t want her on her feet any more than she had to be. “And you said that same thing to me last night when I arrived.”
Her smile was so wide it split her face. She was beautiful—my mom. I got my lips from her, my eyes too. Everyone used to always tell me I was gorgeous just like her. She was beautiful and kind and way too young to be in so much pain. Life had dealt her a crappy hand, yet she went through it with a full heart and a grin on her face. And she deserved better than my father. She should have moved on a long time ago. She shouldn’t have let him come in and out of her life, using her, then leaving her waiting for him to come back.
