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“What would you want me to call her? Birth giver, life creator, or genetic mother?”
“You call her nothing!” he yells, catching me off guard. Why is he so furious? I’m the one who has been wronged. “She was nothing to you.”
“Because you made sure of it! You did everything in your power to make her disappear.”
“I did that to protect you.”
“Protect me? From what? Someone who would love me? What did she do to piss you off? Not listen to every one of your fucking rules?”
“My rules are in place to protect you. Everything I fucking do is to protect you, and Tia didn’t love you.” Part of me expected him to say something like that, but still, I’m not prepared for the words. They hit me like a sucker punch to the kidneys, knocking the air right out of my lungs. “She didn’t love you, but that wasn’t your fault.” His voice softens at the last part, but it doesn’t make it sting any less.
“How would you know if she loved me? Did you even give her a chance, or did you take me from her right after she gave birth?”
“Quinton, knowing what happened will only hurt you more. Just let it go.”
“Tell me!” I pound my fists against the heavy wooden desk hard enough to make it quake.
My father sighs deeply before taking a few steps toward the desk and taking the seat across from me.
“She didn’t take care of you the way she was supposed to. She had a lot of issues, but her drug habit was her biggest one. You were born addicted to meth. I didn’t even know about you until the hospital called me, saying Tia listed me as the father. When I got to the hospital, she was already gone. She just left you there.”
“And, of course, you had to hunt her down and kill her.”
“That’s not what happened. Just shut up and listen for a minute. You had to stay in the hospital for a few more weeks because you were born a few weeks early and were withdrawing from the drugs in your system. I really didn’t know what I was doing at the time. A DNA test confirmed you were my son, but I didn’t want to be a father.”
I’m a little taken aback by that addition. My father has many flaws, but he has never given me the impression that he didn’t want me, or my sisters.
“Why?”
“I didn’t know if I could. I didn’t have the greatest example to work with, and my life was dangerous. A child didn’t quite fit into that.”
“So, what changed?”
“Tia took you from the hospital a few days before you were supposed to be released. At first, I was relieved. I thought it would be better if you grew up with her and away from me, but a few days later, Tia sent me a message…” My father trails off. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”
“Tell me,” I demand.
“She told me to send her ten thousand dollars if I ever wanted to see you again.”
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not, Quinton. She tried to use you to get money out of me.”
“Maybe she simply wanted a new start?
“I thought about that as well. I was actually okay giving her money. Matter of fact, I thought about sending her money every month, making sure you were taking care of, but when I met her to talk to her, she was clearly high, and you weren’t with her.”
“Where was I?”
“I told her I would give her another ten grand if she brought me to you. She promised you were being taken care of, but I insisted. Tia finally brought me to a motel she was staying at. I heard you crying from across the parking lot, and when we got to the room, I knew I could never leave you with her again. She left you alone in that room, lying on the filthy stained carpet. You were only wearing a soiled diaper; your whole back was bright red with an angry rash. You cried like you were in pain.”
“Maybe she just didn’t know how to take care of a baby.” I try to make excuses for a mother I never knew because none of what he is telling me matches the image I had made up in my mind.
“She didn’t know how to take care of anyone, including herself. When I picked you up and walked out of there, all she was worried about was the money. She yelled at me to give her the money I had promised her, but not once did she ask me to leave you with her.”
Slowly, his words sink in, and the picture I had made up becomes muddier. Could it really have been that bad? Or is he lying so I will forgive him easier?
