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Now, I just don't know anymore. You moved on. And that's great for you, because you probably won't even think of me. Soon, you'll forget about the girl you promised everything to. Somehow, I have to do the same. I have to find a way to box up the things I wanted and store them away. I don't want to forget you, but I need to move on the way you have because the pain is going to cripple me otherwise.
In spite of everything I've said, there's just one more thing. The thing that will make getting over you so much harder.
I love you.
And when I say I love you, it's mostly platonic. Right now, it can't be anything else. But... there will always be a bit of those words that means something more. You'll always have a piece of my heart, and that's okay, because, no matter what... I know you'll always look after it.
Teardrops splashed onto the page, distorting the words and creating valleys of blue ink. It didn't matter, because I was never going to let him see the words anyway. They were for me. My first attempt at healing. I wasn't a fool. It would take more than that for me to forget about Brayden, but there was no point in wallowing, leaving those words unwritten in my head, because, up there, they'd only fester and turn into something ugly. Turn me into something ugly. Something bitter. That wasn't me. I had to learn to let him go. It was going to take time.
But I had to start somewhere.
Chapter 11
Brayden
Telling Charley about Rachel was the hardest thing I’d ever done. Not least because, even when I was telling her about Rachel, my brain was screaming at me that I was a fucking idiot. That I was being the kind of weak dickhead who sabotages himself because he got scared.
And I was scared. Months back, when Charley had said she was considering staying in Chicago, I’d started to panic. She’d said she wouldn’t sign the new contract, but there was still a small part of me that was torn over it. Over all of it. Was I being selfish in asking her to come home? What if she came back and she resented me eventually because she’d wanted more time in America? What if we just couldn’t make it work?
Instead of doing the smart thing and talking to her about how I felt and what she really wanted, I freaked out. I was never afraid to talk about anything with her, but this? Somewhere inside me, I was worried that, one day, she’d tell me I was selfish for asking her to come back, and it played on my mind until it drove me crazy.
In spite of all that, I didn’t plan to ruin everything by getting with Rachel. At least, not consciously. I met her on a night out, and while I didn’t start out ever expecting to see her again, she asked me if I wanted to go for a coffee and… that was that.
Yeah, I know that makes me sound like an asshole. It wasn’t that I’d changed my mind about Charley, more that I couldn’t stop thinking that she might change her mind about me. She was far away, on this huge adventure, and what was I? Some loser who worked for a local newspaper. Didn’t compare to the things she was doing in Chicago. She told me about them all the time. I loved hearing about it, but it was the excitement in her voice and on her face that got me questioning everything.
And then, when I’d told Charley about Rachel, all she’d said was that she was ‘a little disappointed’. All that did to my head was tell me she couldn’t have cared that much anyway.
She probably wanted to stay where she was, and now she had an out.
Yeah. You just keep telling yourself that.
Chapter 12
Charley
Twelve Months Ago
"This. Is. Awesome!"
Evelyn jumped up and down to the music, the biggest grin plastered to her face, and I couldn't help but smile too. Inside, I was as excited as she was, but I was still a tad too overwhelmed to fully comprehend my surroundings.
Two months had passed since Brayden broke my heart. And in those two months, I still hadn't managed to
shake him from my system, no matter how hard I tried. I'd moved on as best as I could, but that final string that had firmly tethered itself to him refused to sever. I'd been through every emotion in existence over the past couple of months, and my insides still felt raw from it all. The lowest point was seeing that first photo of the two of them. They were at the beach on what looked like a freezing cold day. Both of them wore scarves, and she wore a hat that made her look ridiculously cute. She was so pretty. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and this incredible smile showing off perfect white teeth. I was too hurt to join in with all the well-wishers, congratulating him on finding someone. Perhaps it was a bit petty, but I had already wished him well and I couldn't force myself to pretend I was okay with him being with her. Not when it felt like I was falling apart.
I'd had an awful conversation with my mum shortly after I saw that photo, telling her I was going to stay in Chicago for another year. Perhaps it was weak of me to stay away to avoid having to face up to my issues, but if I stayed in America, I had guaranteed employment for another twelve months, and more time to experience things I might not have had the chance to experience at home. My mother was furious, not helped by the fact that flights home were grounded from Chicago because of bad weather so I couldn’t even get home for Christmas. I missed her and my family, but I had to start making decisions based on what I wanted and needed. The last time I allowed someone else's opinion to influence my choices, I'd gotten my heart stomped on. Lesson learned.
And that was how it came to be that I was standing in Times Square with Evelyn, Lewis, and Luca on New Year's Eve. The four of us had decided we needed to see the year out in style, and none of us had been to New York before, so we took a two day road trip to the city and spent a couple of days doing the tourist thing before New Year's Eve.
I couldn't have wished for a better few days. Leaving the confines of my apartment and getting out to see different places gave me the breath of fresh air I needed to remind me who I was, and that there was still plenty of life and laughter inside me. The four of us took selfies in the most random of places as we stopped off along the way, and we went to as many New York tourist spots as we could fit into our time. Our hotel, although reasonably cheap considering the time of year, was amazing. We'd opted to share one large room to cut down on the costs – and it wasn't nearly as cramped as I'd expected. There was plenty of space for us all to spread out.
Unlike Times Square at eleven-thirty p.m. on New Year's Eve.
I'd never seen anything quite like it. Sure, I'd seen it on the TV many times, and always thought how fun and crazy it looked. Nothing could have prepared me for the real thing though. It was louder, busier and a million times more exciting than I could have imagined. The atmosphere was electric as friends and families came together to see in the new year. People were dancing, laughing, chatting and bouncing around, waiting for the infamous ball to drop. What nobody ever tells you about that particular day is that to get a decent spot for the celebrations, you have to be at Times Square early afternoon. And there are no toilets or food vendors. In preparation, we'd stuffed ourselves that morning, and taken some water with us to keep us hydrated, but not too much as we didn't want to need the bathroom and risk losing our places. If the party vibe hadn't been so strong, I'd have been exhausted, but there was just so much to look at, so many different people to see and meet. Everyone was holding noisemakers and wearing silly hats and glasses. We'd had the best time taking photos of ourselves and posting them online. I couldn't remember the last time I'd laughed so hard.
"Twenty minutes to go!" Lewis shouted above the noise that had been increasing for the past hour. "And thank the sweet Lord, because I really need to pee!"
I threw my head back, laughing. "We may need to do rock, paper, scissors for who gets to use the bathroom first when we get back to the hotel!"
