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While my head screamed, “No!” I knew I had to. I had to face this. Had to face him. I slowly turned towards him and swallowed hard, preparing myself. God dammit, he was so bloody… perfect. The chiselled jaw, the jet black hair, the thin, almost mean-looking lips, and those green eyes.
“Before we left home, Drew told me something. He-”
“Don’t,” I interrupted, dropping my eyes from his. “I can figure out what he said. You probably already knew anyway.”
“I didn’t. And I was surprised. Drew told me to stay away from you, which at the time, I thought was fucking stupid. You’re Lucy. The girl who happened to grow up in the house beside mine. Someone I always have fun with, but not someone I would make a move on.”
Why the hell did he think this conversation was necessary? I knew this. I reminded myself every damn day where I fit into his life, so if he knew how I felt, why would he bring it up when he knew it would be painful? So much more so now because I’d started to let my guard slip instead of keeping myself protected.
“When Drew warned me off you, I thought it was pretty funny. But right now, after this week, and especially after last night… it’s not so funny anymore.” I risked glancing up at him. His eyes were on me, a little darker than usual, and his jaw clenched. “I didn’t expect this, Lucy. You’ve always meant a lot to me, but now I see you. The you you are now. This beautiful, sweet, fun woman. And I’m finding it really hard to keep my promise to Drew.”
Hope sprang up inside me at his words. He saw me. Me. Little Lucy was gone, and now I was someone else. Someone he wanted to… be with?
Swallowing hard again to moisten my dry throat, I said, “Do you have to keep the promise?”
He laughed softly. “You know how I feel about people telling me what I can and can’t do. But it’s not that simple. Not with you.”
The little ray of hope flickered inside me, and I clung onto it, hoping he wouldn’t snuff it out. Not without giving it a chance.
“Why not?” I whispered.
“Because…” He took a c
ouple of steps towards me. “You’re not just some girl I’ve met. I know you. I’ve known you your whole life, Lucy. And Drew and Ellie are right. I can’t have feelings for you. We can’t have feelings for each other because I will end up hurting you. Even if I try my hardest not to, it’s what I do. I hurt everyone and I’m trying so hard to be better. To not act on every single instinct I have because that is what gets me into trouble. You deserve better than that.”
He did it. He snuffed it out, and my heart began the slow descent to my stomach.
“That’s an incredible cop out, Jason. I deserve better than that bullshit explanation. People who tell someone that they deserve better are just politely saying they’re not interested. I prefer honesty.”
I started to walk past him, but he caught my arm. “Did you even listen to what I said? This isn’t about me not wanting you, Lucy. It’s about me doing what’s right. And trying to make something happen with you is not right.”
“Why? Who says?”
“Everyone. And they’re right. I’m ten years older than you, and I’m a cocaine addict. You’re nineteen years old, and you don’t need that kind of shit.”
I shook my head, my eyes prickling with tears again. “Why are you doing this? Can’t you see you’re pulling the same crap on me that Drew and Ellie pulled on you? Telling me what I can and can’t do, or what I do or don’t need?”
“I’m just trying to make you understand. The age gap-”
“An age gap makes no difference to you when other nineteen-year-olds throw themselves at you!” I snapped. “I see them with you, and I’ve seen you taking advantage of your rock star status to kiss them, and probably more! Why is it so different with me?”
“You know why. We’ve talked about this. It’s because you’re not like them. You’re not a girl in a club trying to hook up with me. You mean more than that.”
“That’s fucked up. That you’d rather have a meaningless hook up.”
“I’m fucked up, Lucy! That’s what I’m trying to tell you! That’s why I have to stay away from you.”
“And the fact that I don’t care about that? I meant what I said last night, Jason. I care about you and nothing is going to change that.”
We stared at each other for a moment longer, but when his eyes dimmed, I knew the conversation was over. I couldn’t persuade him to consider me and him, and I couldn’t even enjoy him telling me I meant something to him because he wasn’t prepared to try. I pulled away from his grip and started towards the steps to the bus, my heart cracking inside my chest.
“Lucy.”
My brain told me to keep moving but my feet stopped. I didn’t turn though. I waited. Listened as his footsteps came closer. Stiffened as his arms slid around me from behind and pulled me close to him, his chin resting on the top of my head. I felt his indecision so much I could almost touch it, and I hated how I couldn’t make life easier for him by just walking away. I couldn’t walk away from something I wanted so much.
“I promised them, Lucy.”
“Me too, Jase. I promised them I wouldn’t let myself get too attached to you, but here we are.”
