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I spent more than an hour online, searching for make-up courses in Los Angeles. There were so many. The job seemed real competitive, though. In this city there’s no point trying anything unless you’re sure you’ll be the best, or damn close. I can do this. I made Kayla look gorgeous, and did so in a super sort time, too. What if I’d had longer to play around? What kind of awesome might happen if I had hours to work instead of minutes?
Excitement took over me. This was it. Something I could be enthusiastic about. Something I’d enjoy. I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for what I already had. I wasn’t. Not at all. But I hadn’t contributed. I hadn’t earned the big house with the swimming pool. I hadn’t paid for any of the state-of-the-art gym equipment or the plush furniture. Any money I had came from Jude's bank account and I was tired of it. I wanted to bring something into our household besides mindless chatter. Mostly I wanted to chase away the feeling of being destined to spend the rest of my life rattling around the house, living for the weekends; the weekends Jude wasn’t playing soccer in a different city.
By the time Jude got home I'd decided on a course and written down all the information I needed to give to Jude.
I pounced on him the second he walked into the living room, where I'd been bouncing around, desperate to tell him my idea.
“Easy, Bree.” He laughed as he caught me in his arms. “Was I gone that long?”
“Well, yes you were but that's not why I'm jumping on you.”
Jude kissed me, long and sweet, and my heart swelled. Life was about to get perfect.
“So, what's going on?” He set me down on the sofa and sat beside me, pulling me close. Mmmm cuddles. Well, I would have enjoyed the cuddles more if I could have contained my enthusiasm enough to sit still.
“I went to Jesse's today and helped his sister to get ready for a party. We had fun, and then Leah had this idea that maybe I should do a make-up course!”
Jude pulled away a little, frowning. “Are you serious?”
Not the reaction I expected or wanted.
“Yeah, I'm serious. Why? Don't you think it's a good idea?”
He shrugged. “You've never mentioned anything about wanting to learn before.”
“I know. I only just realised this is what I want.”
“Because Leah suggested it?”
My eyebrows rose. Jude’s prejudice strikes again. “You're really asking me that?”
“It's a fair question, Bree. Be sure it's what you want, not what someone else wants for you.”
The fact he hadn't spotted my recent unhappiness kinda pissed me off. Leah pinpointed my mood right away. I hadn’t done a good job of hiding the way I felt. How had he not noticed? Why hadn't he?
“What do you want for me, Jude?” I asked in a tone I hadn't used in years. Cold. Un-me.
Jude backed away a little farther, his eyebrows drawn in confusion. “What's this about?”
“This is about you not listening to me,” I told him, standing up. “I said I want to learn a new skill, not fly to the moon. You're making a make-up qualification sound like the worst thing ever.”
“No.” Jude stood up too, reaching for my hand. “I'm sorry. This has come out of nowhere so I'm just asking you if you've really thought about it. I know how you get when you have a new idea in your head.”
I snatched my hand away. “Forget it. I'll carry on being your little housewife and making sure your dinner's on the table when you come home.”
Tears burned the backs of my eyes as I walked out of the room and up to our bedroom, torn between thinking my feelings were perfectly fair, and thinking I'd acted like a spoilt brat. Had I gotten so used to getting what I wanted that when Jude said no I had a tantrum like a toddler?
I threw myself onto my bed, hating that I couldn't figure out where this weirdness came from. This wasn't really about a make-up course. It was about me. I’d lost myself somewhere over the last few years. I needed to find a way back.
Did wanting something of my own make me a bad person? I wiped at my eyes, frustrated and hurt because Jude didn't understand.
“Bree.”
I r
emained still until his weight pressed into the bed and his hand rested on my waist. My back faced him, but I placed my hand over his to prove I wasn't a total bitch.
“Talk to me.”
