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“Why are you hiding from me?” she asked, eventually.
“Because I’m an awful, selfish person and I don’t want to see you looking at me that way when I already know what I am.”
Leah tugged the pillow from my hands, leaving me staring at my knees. “Who do you think you’re talking to? This is me, Freya. The queen of bad decisions. Look at me.”
I lifted my head, tears already clouding my eyes. There was no judgement on her face; no hurt or anger. Just Leah. My best friend who never judged anyone.
“You should be so mad at me.” My voice trembled as I spoke.
“Why? For acting on something you wanted? For trying to be happy?”
“For stomping over Will’s memory by sleeping with your ex-boyfriend!”
Leah shook her head. “That’s not what you’ve done.”
“No? Then why do I feel that way?” I unfolded my legs and stood up, running my hands through my hair again, tugging on the ends in frustration. “I can only imagine what everyone else thinks of me after last night.” When Leah didn’t immediately reassure me things would be fine I gave a bitter laugh. “I knew it.”
“I can’t speak for everyone. The only people I spoke to about this were Ethan and Bryce.”
I flicked my head towards her. What if Bryce had already told her what he knew? No. If he’d done that, Leah would have told me right away instead of making me go over everything. Plus, Bryce wouldn’t have given up a secret he’d promised to keep. But what did he say? When I voiced the question, Leah smiled.
“We’ve all got eyes. We noticed you and Miguel are closer than before, but none of us knew how close.”
I squeezed my eyes closed against the ache that had started to bang inside my skull. So Bree wasn’t the only one who’d noticed a change. If people had noticed us getting closer, it meant that they were seeing something, and if they saw it too, how the hell could we deny it?
But how could we accept it?
“Leah, I don’t know… I don’t understand any of this. I really need to know how you feel, and what you think because I’m freaking out about losing you.”
“Do you think I’m that judgemental?”
“No! I think you’re human. Most people are going to have something to say about this and you have more reason than anyone to be upset.”
“No, I don’t. Miguel and I…” Leah trailed off, sighing. “What we had was short. It was special, and I’ll never forget it, but I was the one who ruined it. I have no right to have any opinion on what he does, or who he goes out with. I would normally be the first to defend “the rules” when it comes to dating a friend’s ex, but those rules don’t apply here. I cheated on him. I’m not angry with you. As for Will… I’ve been thinking about this all night. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, Freya. When I think about Will it still hurts that he’s not here. It must be a million times harder for you.”
I clenched my jaw, hoping to stop the tears from falling again. “Yeah. It’s hard. Every damn day is hard.”
“So… if Miguel has helped you, how is that a bad thing?”
“It’s been five months,” I whispered. “It’s too soon.”
“Too soon for what? To be happy?”
“Maybe. It’s definitely too soon for me to have hopped into bed with Will’s best friend.”
“Don’t make it sound so heartless,” Leah said, echoing what Miguel said to me in the parking lot. “This is hurting you. You didn’t do this because you don’t care anymore. You did it because you needed someone.” She held out her hand, and I took it, swallowing the lump in my throat at her understanding. “I haven’t spoken to Miguel about this, and if you don’t want me to, I won’t. But I don’t think this is easy for him either.”
“It’s not. He hates himself as much as I hate myself. It’s one big hate-fest.”
Leah tugged on my hand, beckoning me to sit down again. “How do you feel? Don’t give me any watered down crap, I want the truth.”
She asked as if the question had a simple answer. If I could just say, “Yes, I want Miguel” or, “No, I made a mistake and I don’t want him,” life would be better. The truth wasn’t as straightforward.
“You wanna know how I feel?” I asked. “Awful. No matter how hard I try, I can’t put into words how much I miss Will. It’s better than it was at first, but some days I still wish I could crawl into bed and cry all day and all night. Some days the ache of missing him is so strong I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t concentrate on anything, not even the simple things so I end up doing nothing, just staring into space and waiting for the pain to ease. I miss the sound of his voice, even when he was bitching at me to pick up my clothes or put the dishes away.” I choked on a laugh, trying and failing to keep hold of my emotions. “I miss everything I thought we would have.”
Leah brushed a tear from her cheek. “So what do you want to do?”
“Hide. Take another four months off work until this is over.”
