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We went to bed happy with our decision, and as I lay beside him, arms and legs entwined, I let out a contented sigh. I loved that whatever life threw at us now, we faced it head on together. No more dishonesty, no more pretending.
Chapter Six – I Don’t Want Apologies
“Please tell me you’re not kidding.” Freya took hold of my arm and shook it as she jumped up and down on the spot. “You’re really coming back on the team?”
Grinning, I nodded, and Freya pulled me into a hug, squeezing me so hard I thought she might crack my ribs.
“This is so amazing!”
Behind us I heard Miguel laughing, and Freya let go of me as he stepped in to hug me too. “Congratulations, Leah,” he said. “It’ll be great to have you back.”
“Thank you.”
It had been three days since I’d spoken to Richard about what I’d like to do regarding going back to work, and he’d approved of my decision instantly. I’d been slow to let people know what was happening since me going back was such a long way away but I couldn’t hold off telling Freya any longer. I’d gone to her apartment – my former apartment – to break the news on Thursday evening, and her and Miguel’s enthusiasm had helped to distract me from the confusion at
the awful mood Radleigh had been in for the last few days.
I wasn’t sure it had anything to do with my decision to go back to work because he’d started acting weird before I’d mentioned that. It was like he was trying to act normal but his body was constantly tense and he’d been snappy with me over the silliest things. He always apologised right away, but whenever I asked what was going on, he found a way to fob me off. He was in a particularly foul mood when he’d got home from work that day and I’d left him with Jessica in the hope that whatever was bugging him would pass by the time I got home.
The three of us took seats in the best part of Freya’s living room – the comfy corner piled high with cushions and bean bag chairs. I was almost certain that three grown adults should have preferred proper chairs, but none of were what you’d call stereotypical adults so it worked for us.
“So what prompted the change of heart about going back to work?” Freya asked, pushing her long blonde hair back over her shoulder.
“Mostly the fact that I was asked.” I laughed. “But honestly, I’ve missed working I just didn’t realise until the idea got into my head. I know it’s pretty much a year away but by the time the wedding’s over, and we reach the end of the soccer season, there won’t be too long to wait. I’m going to have things to do to keep me busy right until I go back so it seemed like the best thing to do.”
“How are you going to cope with leaving Jessica behind?”
My heart pulsed uncomfortably in my chest. Every time I thought about it, the guilt set in, making me question what the hell I thought I was doing. “I’m not sure. I think I’ll hate it but I can’t be with her all the time. At some point she’s going to start school and that might be easier to handle if I get used to being apart from her a little now.” An image of my little girl going to school made my heart squeeze again. One step at time. She’s not even a year old yet. Freya and Miguel smiled knowingly at me and I laughed. “You guys, I know it sounds lame but I can’t explain how it feels to be without her. It’s the weirdest thing. Like I’ve left a piece of myself behind. I never thought it would feel like this.”
“I get it,” Freya said. “Well, as much as I can without having children of my own. But I hate leaving my nieces and nephews when I visit them so it must be a million times harder when it’s your own child.”
I nodded. “It’s horrible. But at the same time, I feel like in the long term, it might be better for all of us if I’m not stuck at home so much.” I shrugged. “I guess I’m still trying to figure out a balance. When people tell you being a parent is hard, they aren’t just talking about the sleepless nights.”
“You’ll get there. Just don’t stress over it too much.”
Miguel nodded. “Freya’s right. The more time you spend thinking you’re doing the wrong thing, the more time you’re wasting when you should just be enjoying the time you have now. Things will work out however they’re supposed to.”
“That was deep.” I laughed. “But I know you’re right. It’s just… Radleigh’s not crazy about the idea of me going back to work. If he had his way, I’d be pregnant again by the end of the year.”
“Really?” Freya asked. “I know you guys plan on having more than one, but so soon?”
“Yup. I’m not ready yet. I’d like at least another year before I go through it all again. I got pregnant so fast the first time. As soon as I found out we were having Jessica, everything became about that. About me being pregnant. Just for a while, I’d like us to settle into what we have now before adding anyone else into the mix.”
“Everything between you two has always gone so quickly. Slowing down the pace couldn’t hurt. Is Radleigh okay with that?”
I sighed without meaning to. “Yeah, he is. I had to do some persuading but it’s me who has to go through the pregnancy. I’m the one who has to deal with all the crap that comes with it, and when I explained that to him he was more understanding. But it’s definitely not his preference.” Shaking my head, I added, “He’s been in a strange mood the last few days. I don’t know what’s going on with him at the moment.” Freya and Miguel exchanged a look, and I said, “What?”
Miguel shook his head. “It’s nothing major, but we’ve noticed he’s been a little off at training this week.”
“Off in what way?” My heart began to drum in my chest. I knew Bryce had noticed his swift switch of mood on Monday, but if other people were noticing it too, something was very wrong. Radleigh was a master at hiding his true feelings.
“Just a little out of sorts,” Freya said. “He’s been okay but not totally the way he usually is. Not sure how to describe it.”
She really didn’t need to. I was more than familiar with it. What I didn’t know was what had caused it.
“Has anything happened at work that might have made a difference?” I asked.
Miguel shook his head. “Nothing at all. Have you talked to him about it?”
