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James started to toss his cigarette when he saw me approach. I waved to him not to and pulled out my own Djarums. I lit mine off his and we smoked in silence.
“Welp,” I said finally. “Can’t say I didn’t try. Tell them to put that on my gravestone, James. Hey, at least he tried.”
“Very good, sir,” he said quietly.
He took me back to the guesthouse. I’d hardly been home a minute when a text came in from River.
I shouldn’t have let you walk away.
I let out a shaky breath and sank onto the couch. My fingers trembled slightly as I typed a reply.
That’s a hell of an opener, my friend.
It’s the truth. The first true thing I’ve said in a long time. I’m sorry it took so long to say it.
That’s okay, I typed. I understand.
I don’t want you to understand, River wrote back. I want you to punch me in the face until I stop being so ducking scared all the time.
I sagged against the couch cushions and smiled to myself, imagining River in his mechanic’s uniform, his big football player body hunched over his phone. Hope and happiness rose in my chest, making me stupid.
Ducking? I typed.
There was a short pause and then my phone lit up with River’s number.
“I don’t want to punch you in the face,” I said as I answered. “Firstly, I’m not into that kinky shit—”
“Holden…”
“And secondly—”
“Will you shut up for a minute?”
“Damn, you’re sexy when you’re bossy.”
He sighed that was half laugh. “Why aren’t you pissed off? I was a dick to you. You deserve better.”
I ignored that last part, even as my heart ached to hear it. “I’m not pissed. You’re doing your best.”
“I can do better.”
“What does that mean?”
“I want to see you again.”
I laid my hand on my chest. “I do too. But you still have to go to college and I’m still leaving the country.”
“I know. Does that make this a bad idea? Or wrong?”
“A mistake?”
“Yeah,” he said, his voice low. “I don’t want to see you like how you were on Christmas. Not ever again. I…don’t want to hurt you.”
I pressed the phone tighter to my ear. “I don’t want to hurt you either.”
“So maybe we try again. Take it slow. See what happens. But…oh, Christ,” River said suddenly with a groan. “I asked Violet to Prom.”
I grinned. “Of course, you did.”
