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Holden’s face crumpled and he shook his head. “No. Don’t say that. Please…don’t.”
“I’m saying it,” I said, shouting over th
e ocean to be heard. To make him hear me and believe. “I should have said it a long time ago.”
“River…you don’t want this. I’m a fucking mess. I—”
“Who isn’t? Some people just hide it better. I’ve been hiding my whole life.” I gripped him tighter, holding his face in my hands. “You’re strong. You survived something terrible but you’re still here.” My voice cracked. “You’re fucking brave, Holden. You are yourself, always. I wish I were half as brave as you. But I’m going to try. Please let me try.”
Holden shook his head, his tears spilling over his cheeks and down to my fingers. “Don’t give everything up. Not for me.”
“I’m giving it up for me. I can’t live like this anymore. And I’m giving it up for you too.” I smiled through my tears. “You’re a pain in the ass, you know that? But it turns out, I can’t fucking live without you.”
Holden stared. The hope struggling to take root in his eyes broke my heart. His hands came up, clutching my arms weakly, as if afraid to hold on too tightly.
“Is this real?” he asked.
I nodded, pressing my forehead to his. “It’s real,” I said, our lips brushing with each word. “Finally, I know what’s real.” I inhaled sharply against the swell of emotion rising in me. “I love you, Holden. That’s real. It’s the most fucking real thing I’ll ever know.”
Chapter Twenty-One
I love you, Holden…
River’s voice was flooded with emotion, his eyes full of me. He kissed me, his lips cold but his mouth warm. Another resuscitation after my own terrible baptism of shame. I clung to him, my own lips trembling against his.
“You’re freezing,” River said. “Let’s get you warm.”
He hooked his arm around me, and we staggered to the shore, my clothes sticking to my skin and wrapping me in the cold. River’s tux was ruined. Water dampened his pants to the waist and his jacket was dusted with sand.
“I wrecked another dance,” I said as we trudged up the sand to where I’d dropped my coat.
“Maybe not.” His smile was sheepish, almost shy, as he took off his tux jacket and draped it over my shoulders. “Back at the Club, I had this vision of you and I dancing together. It’s kind of dumb but…kind of not.”
My eyes fell shut as he wrapped my coat around me too, the enormity of this night chipping away at the cold, little by little.
“You wanted to dance with me? In front of the whole school?”
“I told you. I’m done hiding.” His shy grin came back. “And yeah, I wouldn’t mind dancing with you. I’d suck at it but… I still want to. But we have to warm you up.”
We made it to the parking lot where River reached into James’s sedan that I’d stolen. River shut off the lights, then killed the engine. “We’ll come back for it in the morning.”
“River, what about your dad?”
He straightened, his face grim.
“It’s a matter of a few weeks with Mom. Dad’s going to need me to be there more than he needs me to win football games. He just doesn’t know it yet, but I can see it. Amelia too. There’s no way I can be hundreds of miles from home when…”
He blinked hard and looked away. I didn’t know what to say, how to comfort him. I couldn’t grasp each monumental moment as they led, like stepping-stones, to a future I’d never imagined for myself.
River loves you…
I walked with him to his truck, my own confession locked in my throat. Shame was creeping in, whispering how pathetic I was—driven by old demons to nearly drown myself. Someone who needed to be rescued and watched and taken care of.
“Hey,” River said at his truck, seeing the dark thoughts in my eyes. “Don’t do that. Whatever happens…we just take it one day at a time. We’ll figure it out, okay?”
I nodded and climbed into his cab, my ruined clothes getting sand all over the floor and dampening the seat. River got behind the wheel and put the heater on high. The warm air blasted over me as he pulled back onto the winding, darkened road to get us home.
The heat from the vents slowly made its way through my sodden clothes, and my dunk in the ocean had sobered me. Or maybe it was just River. I glanced at his profile—so fucking beautiful, his eyes on the road, a small smile playing over his lips. He looked as if he’d finally set down a heavy burden he’d been carrying for years.
