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“What’s wrong?”
“It’s my mom. It’s been bad lately. It might… It might be the end. And I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t be cal
ling you. I didn’t know who else… I don’t have anyone else I can talk to. None of the guys get it. It’s too fucking real.”
My throat suddenly felt thick. “Where are you?”
“In the hospital. She has some kind of infection…spiked a fever. I’m in a hallway somewhere. I didn’t know what else to do. I feel like I’m going crazy.”
River’s words tapered to a whisper and I could see him in a cold hospital hallway, maybe leaning against the wall, letting it prop him up.
I hated that he was alone.
He came back on the line, his voice breathy and tight.
“Sorry.”
“Stop apologizing,” I said softly, and another image came to me, one of River reaching out in the dark, grasping for something—someone—to hold on to. I scoured my collection of therapy sessions for something that would help him. But none of it helped me because no one asked the one question I’d been begging someone to ask.
“River.”
“Yeah?”
“What do you need?”
I held my breath until I heard him exhale his. When he spoke again, the pain had loosened its grip on him a little.
“I don’t know. Just talk to me. I need to get out of my head for a minute. I’m so fucking scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen next, and I’m having a thousand terrible thoughts, one right after the other.”
“Pick one.”
“What?”
“Pick one terrible thought. Grab it out of the air.”
“Okay.”
“Now tell me what it is.”
“I…I hate that she’s suffering,” he said, his voice cracking. “And I can’t take it from her. But I would. I’d take all of it…”
And this time he broke. I heard his sobs, muffled and low.
“I’m here,” I said. “I’m here, okay?”
After a few moments, he inhaled deep and let it out on a shaky exhale. “Thanks, that helped. It helped to get some of it out.”
“I’ll have to try it sometime.”
A silence descended and Saturday night at the pool slowly crept in between everything we weren’t saying.
“Holden…”
“Don’t.”
“I want to. To apologize.”
“I told you, I’m not asking anything of you.”
