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“Okay.”
“That’s why I wasn’t…better.”
Pathetic.
“You said that already,” she said and covered her eyes, her body shaking with silent sobs. “I’m so sorry.”
“Hey.” I gently pulled her hands from her eyes. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Nothing’s wrong with you. It’s me who’s messed up. Believe me.”
She shook her head. “No. You didn’t deserve that. Everything’s been going all wrong. I used to be so organized and on top of things. Now…” She threw her hands up. “Now it’s all falling apart. I’m falling apart. Doing things I’d never do. Being someone I’m not.”
I stared at the ceiling. “Yeah. I know exactly how that is.”
“You do?”
“Definitely.”
She rolled to face me. “How? I mean…seems like everything’s going how it should for you.”
“That’s because I’m really good at making it look like everything’s going as it should.” I handed her a tissue.
“Thank you.” She dabbed her eyes. “Nancy told me you got into Alabama and Texas A&M.”
“I did.”
“You don’t look happy.”
Happy. It felt distant and unreal, the road paved with roadblocks too heavy to ever move.
“Can I tell you a secret?” I asked.
“Of course.”
“Swear you won’t tell anyone?”
“Cross my heart.”
I sighed. “I don’t want to play football anymore.”
“What? Really?” Violet propped herself on her elbow, her eyes wide.
“I haven’t wanted to…since forever, actually. It’s been more my dad’s dream than mine. He was a big star in his day and could’ve gone pro until a knee injury took him out.”
“Wow,” Violet breathed. “But you’re so good at it. Like Tom Brady or Peyton Manning.”
“It’s wasteful, right? To want to throw it all away?”
I waited for her to tell me yes. That I needed to get my shit together and do the right thing for my dad and my career. But Violet shook her head, her eyes clear and honest.
“Well, no. Not if it makes you unhappy. What do you really want to do?”
I lay back and stared at the ceiling. “You’ll laugh. Or think I’m a huge dork.”
She smirked. “As someone who dabbled in not being a dork for a short time until Evelyn Gonzalez returned me to the Land of Dorks from whence I came, you have my word.”
