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“I know. Fuck, the last thing I want is to hurt you.”
“I’m not talking about joining the Army. I’m scared for you, but the hurt is from your silence, Connor.” I blinked back tears. “Why would you write to me like you did in Boot Camp and not expect me to…” I bit back the words, fall in love
with you. “Have strong feelings for you after?”
“I wasn’t thinking,” he said, sounding almost angry. “I wasn’t thinking about anything but myself, to be perfectly honest. Writing to you that way was selfish. Really fucking selfish. And stupid.”
“Stupid?” I switched the phone to my other ear. “Do you regret writing them?”
“No. I didn’t mean…”
A silence, then a sigh.
“Well?” I demanded. “Were you going to tell me about the party? Were you going to tell me anything? Because honestly, Connor, it feels you might skip out without talking to me again and blame it on your deployment.”
“I wasn’t going to skip out,” he said, bitterness infusing his voice. “I just… I’m better on paper, apparently.”
“You’re good in person too, if you’d just let yourself be.”
He made a noncommittal sound. “Wes told you about the party on Tuesday?”
“Yes.”
“Will you be there? I want you to be there.”
“Do you?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“I’m so confused right now, Connor, I don’t know what to think.”
“I know.” Now his voice turned gruff. “But I’m scared, Autumn. I’m not going to lie. Boot Camp was fun and games, but now I’m legit freaking out a little.”
“Of course, you must be.” I sighed and pulled it together. “I’ll be there.”
“Thank you, babe,” he said. “You’re too good for me. Too good for…anyone.”
“I don’t want anyone,” I said. “Just you.”
“Just me,” he repeated, almost pained.
“Connor?”
“Nothing, babe. See you Tuesday.”
Autumn
The days dissolved away to Tuesday, the day before Connor and Weston were being deployed. Ruby and I drove to Boston for the goodbye party, which was a semi-formal barbeque in the Drakes’ enormous backyard.
“I hope we got the dress code right,” Ruby said.
“You look gorgeous. As usual.”
Ruby wore jeans and an elegant black blouse that crisscrossed in the back. She straightened her hair, so it curled up at her shoulders and highlighted her eyes only with mascara. She didn’t need anything else.
“So besides Connor’s family, who’s going to be there?” Ruby asked.
“Weston’s mother and sisters. A few friends from Connor’s old baseball team.”
