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I can’t deny that.
“Don’t run away from me, please. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
The cries that escape me are driven by fear, the hurt seeping out in every tear.
“I’m terrified. I’m terrified of loving my baby and her losing me one day, just like I’m losing Mama. I can’t live without her… I don’t want her to die!” I choke, the sobs punching through me as the raw pain begins to tear away at me again.
“You won’t lose her. You need to love her, just like your mom loves you.”
The tip of his thumb swipes beneath my eye, his expression compassionate and overcome with worry as his brows draw together. In an attempt to calm my raging emotions, I take a moment to examine him, instantly noticing his gaunt cheeks. Now I want to touch him, feel his skin beneath my fingertips for my own selfish reasons.
“Milana, I was a fucking idiot not to understand how much you love your mom and gave up everything for her. She’s special. I’ve known her for two minutes, and in my whole life, no one, aside from you, has made me feel accepted. So, I get it, I get everything you’re feeling right now. And you know what, I’m jealous. You have so many years and memories with her.” He gazes at me, longingly, yet the pain is transparent. “I should have been there for you. God, I just kept fucking up, you know. I mean, Carson… fuck! I just should have—”
“Stop.” I place my hand on his chest, my turn to ease his pain. “I shouldn’t have questioned your relationship with your mother. You have every right to be upset, angry, and everything else you feel toward Gina. I should have understood that, after all, it’s how I feel toward my dad. But the thing is, you can’t blame yourself for her actions. You didn’t choose that childhood, Wesley, but you can choose how you live your life as an adult.”
“I miss you. It fucking killed me when you left.”
I sigh. “I had to. We were toxic.”
“But now?”
My finger moves toward his face, caressing the scar on his jawline. I miss it, a flaw yet a piece of him that’s unique and only belongs to him.
Suddenly, my brain reacts, remembering his words only moments ago. “You met Mama?”
“Yes.” He smiles, wrapping his hands around the back of my neck and casually resting them there. “And I plan on spending as much time with her while I can.”
Again, this all seems rushed and farfetched. He wants to spend time with Mama after meeting her for two minutes. Does he think this is how he can woo me back? And then, the giant elephant that has been in my room, or should I say head, for the last nine months has suddenly made its way in front of both of us.
“The baby…” I mutter, trying to find a way to explain all of what happened.
“Yes.” He sighs. “You really threw a giant curveball at me. I never, in my wildest dreams, expected something like that. The last twenty-four hours have been the most intense hours of my entire life. I mean, fuck, Milana, she’s our baby. You had a baby, and she’s mine.”
“God, Wesley, I don’t even know where to begin with telling you—”
He cuts me off, placing his finger against my lips. “I want to be wherever you and Katerina are. You are my family, you’re my life. I’ve known her for one day, and I can’t imagine life without her.”
“You spent a day with her?”
“Yes.” This time, he caresses my cheek, softly, watching his hand glide against my tear-streaked patchy skin. “I’ve barely slept.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. We were just so fucked up, you know. And when we were together, it was like a high. I just forgot everything existed, and then you left, and I went back to the old me. I don’t blame you, in a way, for hiding this from me.”
Wesley pulls away, and instantly, I miss the contact. He rubs his face with his hands, perhaps the exhaustion weighs down his emotions much like me. “I’m not going to hide that, Milana, or lie to you. I wasn’t good during our time apart, and I need help. I need to find a way to deal with my demons and not keep feeding them.”
“I should have helped you.”
“Don’t you hear what I’m saying?” His tone turns into frustration. “We’re both hurting for different reasons, and we both need help. If we’re going to be together, we both need to work on ways to move forward.”
Instinctively, my hand reaches out to him, grazing his arm with the palm of my hand.
“Play the game, by the rules, and everyone’s a winner.”
“Yeah, but you gotta be honest. Tell me what you want. You.” He points to my heart, forcing me to look deep within myself and ask the question that I have so easily buried beneath all the pain.
“I want to learn to bond with our daughter, but I also want to give Mama her dying wishes,” I croak, bowing my head down. “I just can’t be everything to everyone.”
