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“The bleeding… the water… he was breeched.” She shuffles a little to the left where I hadn’t noticed the smaller tombstone. Wiping away the snow, she leans in and places her hand on it. In the darkness of the night, it confirms what I had just thought, what I had feared.
“He died when I delivered. There were too many complications. He was too small, too fragile to even fight.”
Alexander Mason Edwards
Sleep my baby angel, always and forever in my heart.
“I held him… you know… for a few moments. I saw his tiny face, and I knew he deserved a name, so I named him Alexander, after you. He was small… so very tiny.” She’s sobbing, her shoulders rising and falling beside me.
“It was all too much for him with everything that happened that day. I blamed myself for losing my grandmother and not taking care of myself. I thought I had killed him because I didn’t want him, but I did want him… I was just terrified. The grief was overwhelming, and I called for you, screamed your name, begged you to come and rescue me, but they thought I was crazy. They watched me, even placed me on suicide watch. I wasn’t going to kill myself, but I needed something to take away the pain.”
The psych ward, Bryce’s call. It all makes sense now.
“I couldn’t see anything but darkness. There was no point anymore to life, I’d lost everything. But, Lex… I need you to keep an open mind about what I’m about to tell you, please understand that I had no other choice.”
My head flinches back slightly, confused by what she is asking. Still reeling from all the information and trying to manage the grief and remorse fighting for my attention, I silently wait for her to reveal whatever it is willing an open mind.
“They wanted to place me in the psych ward. Well, they did for a day, but I begged them to call your dad. I knew if anyone understood the grief I was going through, what led to this breakdown, it would be him.”
“My dad knew?” I almost choke, eyes widening as anger begins to seep in.
“He saved me, Lex. He explained my history to the acting doctors and promised to keep me under his care. When I saw him, he asked me to do something, to promise him something. That if he were going to vouch for me, release me from this place, then in return, I needed to go live my life. Study, go to college, and live a long happy life making everyone who loved me proud. I needed to become Charlotte Mason, and I needed to find who she was and to start a life.
“So, I promised him I would. Three days later, I buried my grandmother and our son. My dad had been traveling and because of bad weather, couldn’t make it back in time. It was the second worse day of my life. I promised both of them I would make them proud, that wherever they were, they would always smile down on me. It was the only thing that kept me going. It was the only way I could move on.”
“Charlotte…” I’m at a loss for words, scared to say the wrong thing.
“That afternoon, instead of attending the gathering afterward, I went straight to the tattoo parlor. I knew what I wanted.”
The phoenix.
“The tattoo, the phoenix. It symbolizes rebirth because I had to start a new life, Lex, without you, my grandmother, or the baby. As long as I was alone, I needed a reminder every day that I was still standing here and had a life that needed to be lived. I was given a second chance.” She lets out a small smile through her tears. “The needle… to answer the question that you asked me, it felt like nothing, not compared to what I had been through.”
“I wish you had told me,” I manage to say, guilty for pushing myself back onto her. “I wish I was there with you.”
“No one knew except for Annie. Not even Nikki or Eric know the truth. I kept this to myself, but now you know, Lex, why when I saw you, I was afraid. To have been left by you, to go back to that place that I promised your dad I would never go back to. After what happened in The Hamptons, I ran away trying to control the situation myself. There was no way I would listen to you or anyone, for that matter. That night I was at the restaurant with Julian, I knew he wasn’t the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and it pained me because I wished I did at the time. It would have made life easier. It was always you, Lex… but then you said it was over, and the pregnancy threw everything off. I lied to you because I thought if I hurt you enough, you would leave me alone. I was so scared… that it was déjà vu… this baby… and I knew I couldn’t bear to lose it, so I did what I knew I had to do. I reached out to Dr. Edwards again. He was the only one who knew, and once again, he taught me that no matter what happens, I’m able to control my destiny. I need to fight hard for what I want. I want this baby, our baby, and I want you, Lex.”
As I sit there staring at this tiny tombstone, the little inscription confirming my son lay resting there asleep, I reach out to touch it, my hands shaking as I run my fingers across the words. I close my eyes, ensuring I’m memorizing every letter, the way it feels beneath my fingertips, wanting some desperate connection with this child who was ours.
I repeat my actions, wanting something, a sign, and suddenly, in the cold, harsh night in the middle of this cemetery, a gush of warmth runs through me. I focus on it. It’s undeniable the way it makes my goosebumps disappear, the way I suddenly feel at peace like a hand resting on mine. My eyes spring open only to see Charlotte has hers on the ground, and nothing is surrounding my hand. There is no other way to explain it, and I don’t realize a tear has escaped until the salty liquid falls upon my lips. I’ve never cried. I don’t ever remember crying since I was a kid, but this emotion is overwhelming in ways I can never imagine possible.
Charlotte shuffles closer to me, placing a kiss on the corner of my mouth to wash away the lonesome tear.
“You felt it, too?”
I nod, afraid yet at peace with whatever it was that happened.
“It’s him, he’s done this before, you know, told me he’s okay. He is being taken care of. This is the only reason I was able to live my life. To place trust in God that this little boy lives on, and that although he is not here with us, he’s still loved and is in a happy place.”
I pull her into my arms, holding her close to my chest as we continue to sit on the cold ground. My hands move their way to her stomach where I caress our baby… our second baby. And while it was only moments ago I was grieving for this child I had no idea existed, I hold onto Charlotte tight, almost as if by holding her, I’m protecting this unborn child, praying it will be given the chance its older brother didn’t have.
“Lex… I’m scared…” she cries softly.
I move her hair aside, planting a soft kiss on her neck.
“Don’t be afraid. I’m sorry, Charlotte, more than you can imagine, for everything you went through alone. I can’t even begin to put myself in your shoes, but I understand now. These scars that were all over your heart, your soul, I promise you that I will love you and that no measure of time will change that. I promise to spend the rest of my life mending these scars until they are healed, and no matter what happens… whatever life will throw at us, we will get through
this together. Just you and me forever.”
