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I haven’t told a soul about Spencer leaving me and I have no idea why. It could be guilt over the fact that I’ve spent the past three days thinking about a guy from my past rather than the incredible man I just lost.
But what’s worse is that heartache I’ve been fearing for the past three years and the terror I would feel over the thought of him breaking up with me simply isn’t there. I’m not hurting and that must make me some kind of monster. I’ve just spent years with Spencer and after crying for about twenty minutes, I put the pain away and filed it for another day and have since forgotten about it.
Three years of my life with him and I didn’t turn into a mess. Surely, he meant more than that to me.
God, I’m such a bitch. He was right to end it with me. I turned into more of a mess when I watched ‘The Notebook’ for the first time.
I should be sent straight to hell for this. Though maybe I shouldn’t because I’m positive that I’ll live out eternity with Rivers right there by my side and then I’ll be as happy as a fat fucking pig in mud. I can’t win. I don’t deserve to be happy.
When Rivers was at my place on Monday, I failed to tell him that Spencer had left me and I sat there wondering why I didn’t tell him. In fact, I haven’t told anyone. I’ve spoken to Henley at least four times since she left for her honeymoon and each time, the topic fails to get mentioned. She’d hate it and would constantly be worrying when she should be enjoying her honeymoon, so at least I have somewhat of a good reason.
Mom and dad? They’d just hover. Noah? He’d come storming back here with a vengeance and demand answers out of Spencer which would probably make things awkward. Then there’s Aiden…I don’t know what to do there. Spencer is his cousin and there’s no doubt that he’ll hear about it eventually and then comes that accusing conversation where he demands to know why I never said anything.
This shit sucks.
All I want is to forget. I wish things were simpler but they haven’t been that way in four years and now that Rivers is back, it’s all that much more complicated.
I just wish I knew how to understand what I’m feeling. I love him so damn much, but I hate him for what he put me through. There’s no getting past that. He’s my family and my pack and I’ll always be there for him, but when it comes to an ‘us’ it’s just not possible. My heart is still too broken and because of that, I’ve managed to hurt everyone else.
I’m such a fucking bitch.
A sigh pulls from deep within me and I sink onto my workbench. I’m supposed to be arranging a dozen roses for a delivery tonight, but every time I look down at the flowers on my table, the will leaves me.
Why does everyone else get to find their happiness and I’m stuck with this awful hatred?
“What’s wrong with you?” Candice asks me as she makes her way around my store, checking over the arrangements she’d put together this morning and making sure that they’re still just as wickedly stunning as they were when she first arranged them.
“Nothing,” I grumble, wanting nothing more than to close my eyes and pretend today isn’t happening. Hell, I might pretend the last few days haven’t happened as well.
Candice scoffs. “You’re so full of shit.”
I resist throwing the pile of thorns I’ve collected at her. She came to me two years ago asking for a job and at first, I was reluctant to give her one, but the business was booming and I was going crazy keeping up with all the orders on my own. After I ‘ummed’ and ‘ahhed’ over whether to hire her or not, I finally gave in and she’s been here ever since.
I had to teach her the ropes and I quickly realized that she’s done a hell of a lot of growing up since high school. I even consider her one of my friends now, though I’m not pushing it. It’s not like we’re BFFs and tell each other our darkest secrets. So, when she says shit like that to me, I don’t fly off the handle like I would have had we still been in high school.
“Shut up,” I tell her. “Remember, I’m still your boss.”
“Uh-huh,” she grins, focusing on tidying up a tulip arrangement that looks a little tired. “What are you going to do about it?”
“Dock your pay and spend my savings on finding your replacement.”
“You can’t do that and you know it.”
“I know,” I groan, pushing myself up from the table and trying to look alive. “But I can think about it and picture just how nice this place would be without your endless ramblings. Trust me, it’s going to bring me all sorts of joy.”
