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Tears stream down her face. “You were only eight.”
I nod. “Afterward, he took me out for pizza as though I was being congratulated for making my first kill, the bastard even had the nerve to give me a birthday cake. I never knew what happened to those children, but from what kind of businesses Anton was involved in, I’d dare say they were sold to the highest bidder. I remember Anton had said now I was a man. I’d seen and dealt death and no one could touch me. I was powerful. I was a Mathers’. His blood and his heir. He kept me hidden at his home until my bruises had faded and I’d finally stopped screaming in my sleep. He told me to never speak of it again and if I did, he would come for my mom. From then on, my real ‘training’ started.”
“No,” she whispers.
I give her a sad smile, trying to remind her that this is all in the past. “It’s ok, I didn’t have to do something as horrifying as that until a was a bit older. One day he had explained it as getting the worst over and done with so I’d never have to fear anything ever again. He’s never been so wrong.”
Her voice breaks as she looks across to me with her tear strained cheeks. “How many innocent lives were there?”
My heart breaks and something inside of me is tears into pieces. “I’ve taken three lives. Each just as horrifying as the last and each for a reason unknown to me.”
“All with your father standing over you?”
I nod my head. “The second one, I had a gun at the back of my head, and the last…” I let the sentence fall flat between us as the memory of what I did tears me apart.
“The last?” she prompts.
“The last he was holding up a photo of you.”
Tully climbs across the seat and places herself in my lap before threading her arms around my neck. Her face buries into my shoulder and she holds on with tears streaming down her face. “I’m so sorry,” she cries as I do my best to try and forget the images coursing through my mind. “I never should have asked.”
“No,” I tell her. “You need to know. This is the man that I am. This is the darkness that I’ve always told you about. It’s the reason I didn’t want to drag you down into my life. It’s not pretty. The shit I’ve had to suffer through is uglier than anything you’ve ever had to know. You’re pure, Tully. You’re the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me and your light is always what brings me back. I was terrified of letting you in and learning about all the things that I’d done. I’m a monster.”
“No,” she cries. “You’re absolutely everything. You’ve always been everything to me. You were his pawn. He was a monster and you were a child who should have had a parent’s love, but instead you were given someone like Anton Mathers.”
“I don’t think you understand just how grateful I am that your parents allowed me to crash at your home. You have no idea what that meant to me. Your place was my salvation and your smile is what healed me each time I was forced to do something that went against everything that I believed in.”
Tully pulls back until she’s looking at me and presses her lips against mine before closing her eyes and resting her forehead against mine. “You’re a good man, Samuel Rivers. I hope you know that.”
“You know I love you, right?”
She pulls into me a little tighter. “I do,” she whispers. “Now take me home. I think I just want to curl up on my bed and forget the world.”
“I’ve never heard anything so damn good.”
Chapter 11
Rivers
The drive back to Tully’s apartment is silent. The weight and horror that I’ve held onto over the past fifteen years have lifted off my shoulders, but I fear that it’s come down on hers. What I shared with her was only the beginning of the horrendous things that I’ve done, but for some fucked up reason, she needed to hear it. Truth be told, I think I needed it too.
I can’t help but feel as though sharing this part of myself somehow brings us closer together. It’s as though she can finally begin to understand who I am and what made me so damn closed off to the world. It’s as though I’m completely open to her now. No secrets between us.
I just hope she doesn’t think any less of me.
What I told her was heavy and I know she was expecting something bad but I doubt her pure mind has ever considered that it was the kind of stuff nightmares were made out of.
