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It hadn’t been like that in the beginning of their relationship. She hadn’t needed the words as a frequent affirmation. But that was before they meshed lives that she now realized had probably never been meant to go together.
He acknowledged her words with an indecipherable look. “I have come to see that not saying the words may have convinced you they were no longer true.”
If they ever had been. “If it had just been a matter of saying it, or not saying it, I don’t think I would have drawn that conclusion.” Her dad adored his wife and children. However, he had never been a man to make a lot of verbal declarations. “But it isn’t, is it?”
“What do you mean?” His gorgeous face revealed a confusion that might have annoyed her weeks before.
She’d thought he should know, but now she saw it as more endearing. He was trying.
“If you had shown me that you loved me, if I had been a priority in your life,” she explained, “I don’t think the lack of words would have bothered me. It might other women, I don’t know. I only know myself.”
“And you needed actions I did not give, so the lack of words cemented a belief inside you that I do not love you.”
“Yes.” It was a level of honesty they did not usually engage in.
But there was no moving forward as they’d both said they wanted to do without putting truth out there to be dealt with.
He nodded. “It is my intention to both say the words and to show you that I feel them.”
She wanted that, more than was safe for her heart. “This reconstruct our marriage plan is a risky one, you understand that, don’t you?”
“I would have said not to do it was riskier.”
“But I’d settled into our marriage, found my peace with the limitations of our life. You’re doing your best to convince me that we can have something different, something better. If I believe you and you let me down, I don’t know if I have what it takes to find that peace again.” Simply admitting that was scary for her, because it meant her future might take a turn she did not want, had never wanted, but might not be able to avoid.
“Is that why you are fighting this so hard?” he asked, as if he was finally understanding something that had bothered him.
But she didn’t understand his question. “How am I fighting it?” She’d agreed to try, hadn’t she? Agreed to work toward an emotional intimacy she’d blocked herself off from since before the birth of their daughter.
“You do not trust me to change.”
“Well, no.” But that wasn’t fighting against him trying to, was it?
He winced, like he’d really hoped for a different answer. “Because you fear that if you trust me and I let you down again, it will be the end.”
She laid her hands over her stomach, letting the life there give her a measure of peace. “Yes.”
“And you do not want that?”
She shook her head. “We have two children together.” She didn’t want to bring their son into a broken home.
Alexandros nodded. “Both our daughter and our unborn son deser
ve the strongest family we can give them.”
“And in your mind, that means having a strong marriage?” She’d thought he believed that, when they’d first dated and gotten married.
Then she’d come to believe Alexandros had very different priorities than building a strong marriage with her.
“Ne.” He infused that one word of affirmation with a deep sense of feeling and commitment.
And she liked hearing it. A lot. This bid of his to save their marriage wasn’t only about his need to prove he was as good a husband as his brother.
“You know, our marriage wasn’t rocky.” Not until he’d started pressing her for things she no longer felt able to give. Like her trust.
“How stable could it be if you were not as happy in it as I was?”
“From my perspective, it was very stable.”
