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Lily wet her dry mouth. All she could think about was how last night he had confirmed that he really didn’t want her. That she had just been an itch he had wanted to scratch. ‘Last night you said…’
‘Please forget what I said last night. I was hurt and angry.’
‘Hurt?’
Tristan gripped the back of the upholstered dining chair in front of him. This conversation was not going at all the way he had hoped. Lily was supposed to have picked up on his lame declaration of love and thrown herself into his arms. Instead she was spitting at him and looking much the same way she had when she’d felt she had to defend her honour after they had made love that first time.
Okay, so maybe he wasn’t going about this very well. But he’d never told a woman he loved her before. Had never wanted to love a woman before. Opening up about his emotions wasn’t exactly his strong suit after years of holding them at bay.
He cleared hi
s throat, more nervous now than he had been during his first courtroom appearance—which, come to think of it, he hadn’t been nervous about at all…‘Lily, I’d like to say something to you and if you still want to leave after that then I won’t try and stop you.’
Lily stared at him, seemingly transfixed, as he walked slowly around the table and pulled out one of the dining chairs for her to sit down in.
She slid into it, almost with relief, and Tristan paced a short way away and then stopped, turning to face her.
‘I told you the other night that my mother left my father, but what I haven’t told you is that on the day she left, when I was fifteen, I overheard my parents arguing. During the argument my mother told my father she hated him and that he had nothing she wanted—that I also had nothing she wanted and that she was taking Jordana with her and not me.’
‘Oh, Tristan.’
He held up his hand gently and shook his head. ‘I’m not telling you this so you’ll feel sorry for me. It has no doubt coloured my past relationships, as your parents have coloured yours, but I need you to understand something. My mother was not an easy woman to love but God knows I tried. There was a big age gap between myself and Jordana and for a while I was my mother’s saviour. Her little hero. Then Jordana arrived, my father started working more, and I became relegated to the sidelines. I never understood why, and slowly, over the years, I learned to protect myself by switching my feelings off. I became angry with my mother and blamed myself. Two nights ago you inadvertently helped me see that what I hadn’t understood was that my parents just had an unhappy marriage and I was one of the victims of that.’
‘Parents often don’t see the impact they have on their children when they aren’t happy within themselves.’ Lily offered softly.
‘No.’ Tristan shook his head. ‘And it certainly put me off wanting to risk my heart with another person, but…’ He looked down at Lily’s small hand enfolded in his, not even having realised that he had reached out to her. ‘Lily, the other night I accused you of using your past as a shield, and I’ve only just come to realise that I do the same thing. I’ve put up barriers to my emotions my whole life because my mother’s love was so unpredictable and my parents’ relationship was so unstable and I don’t want to do that any more. Actually, that’s not completely true.’ He looked up sheepishly. ‘If I could still do that I probably would. But if I do I’ll lose you, and after you walked away last night I realised that’s more painful than everything else put together.’
Lily swallowed and looked down at their enclosed hands, then slowly back up to reconnect with his eyes. ‘Why?’
Tristan leaned forward and kissed her. A kiss filled with all the love and tenderness he had been afraid to show her until now. He pulled back and waited for her eyes to flutter open. ‘Because I love you, Lily. I think I always have.’
Lily shook her head, her expression dazed. ‘You love me?’
‘With all my heart. And the more I say it, the more I want to say it.’
‘But you never approved of me…’
‘Partly true. I disliked your lifestyle because I was always worried that Jordana would go the way my mother had, but really what I resented about you the most was how protective I felt towards you. Whenever I heard you were at one of your stepfather’s parties, and I was in the country, I always came and got you out. I even did it once when Jordana wasn’t with you. Remember?’
‘I assumed you thought she was with me.’
‘No. I knew she was home safe—and that’s just where I wanted you to be. But it wasn’t until Jo’s eighteenth that my feelings for you changed. As soon as I saw you in that silver mini-dress I knew I couldn’t deny that my feelings for you were more than just protective. I wanted you so much that night it hurt. But you were too young, and I was too closed to my emotions, and then when I came across that private party it was easy to blame you. It gave me an excuse to turn my back on the way you made me feel. But you changed me that night. I haven’t been able to look at a woman since, be with a woman, without imagining she was you. Crazy, I know…’
‘Not so crazy.’ Lily reached up and almost reverently cupped his face. ‘I fell so deeply in love with you that night I’ve compared every other man I’ve ever met to you and found him lacking.’
‘Lily, does that mean what I think it means?’
Lily smiled and blinked back the tears blurring her vision. ‘That I love you? Totally. Completely. How could you not know?’
Tristan felt such a deep surge of joy well up inside him he thought it would burst out. He grabbed Lily off the chair and hauled her onto his lap, crushed her mouth beneath his.
When he finally let her up for air he felt a sense of rightness with the world, but he could see by the way she gnawed her top lip that she still had questions.
‘What is it?’
‘I was just remembering yesterday morning, when you came out of the bathroom. You looked…you looked unhappy…and then you told Jordana—’
‘Oh, Lily,’ Tristan said on a groan. ‘Please forget that. I woke up that morning with such a sense of well-being it scared the hell out of me. Honestly, I just wanted to get away from you. I’ve never woken up with a woman before and—’
