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Well, it was probably more like one minute went by, but to her frayed nerves, it felt like much longer. He finally looked at her and held the letter out. She started to reach for it and then hesitated, meeting his eyes again.
“Are you sure?”
He nodded mutely, and she took a deep breath, reaching for the pages. She didn’t read it right away, just looked into Noah’s eyes, nervous about why he hadn’t spoken yet. He nodded to the letter and she blew out a breath, finally looking down.
Noah,
If you’re reading this, I didn’t make it home, and you did. I’m pretty sure you make it your mission to make sure I get back home safe every time we deploy—you’re always putting yourself in danger to make sure I don’t get hurt. And if I know you—and I do—you’re feeling guilty for living and for not keeping that stupid promise you made to yourself.
I appreciate the thought, but it’s war, man. Bloodshed and violence are everywhere, and we’ve deployed together enough that I know you know that. Nothing you could have done to change the outcome of whatever happened. I don’t have a crystal ball, so I can’t know that for sure. But I do know you, and I know you would have stopped it if you could have.
So, let me get this out of the way first—it wasn’t your fault.
I also wanted to tell your dumbass to stop feeling guilty about Lily. I know you’re attracted to her. I’ve known it from the beginning, and I also know you’ve got some bullshit about being a shitty friend running through your thick head.
That’s stupid, man. I never cared, because I know you well enough to know you won’t act on it. If you would have said something to me about it, I would have fucked with you about being the poor loser who didn’t get to go home to her. I almost said it anyway, a thousand times probably, but I didn’t know if it would make you f
eel worse, so I kept my mouth shut.
Now’s my chance to tell you to get the fuck over it. You did nothing wrong.
I also know she thinks you’re hot, too. She’s never said anything, but I can always tell when she thinks another man’s good looking.
Speaking of Lily… I worry about her. She loves so fiercely and I know she had to have taken my death hard. Side note, it’s really fucking weird to talk about my death as I sit here and write this, still very much alive. Anyway, it probably took her a long time to find this. I’m going to mention looking under the baseball to her, but if you haven’t figured this out yet—Lily’s brilliant, but when her emotions take over, she’s the most forgetful person you’ll ever meet.
Knowing her, she’s probably pushing you, and everyone else, away. Don’t let her, okay? Give her space if she needs it, but don’t let her give up on life. The only thing I want is for her to be happy and to live. I’m trusting you to make sure she gives herself the chance.
And, if something develops between you two… Don’t be a dumbass and fight it because of an idiotic, misplaced sense of guilt. If there were ever two people who deserve to be happy, it’s you two. I want her to move on, to find happiness and love again.
There’s no one I’d rather see her find it with than you. I know you, Noah. You’re a good man, and I know you’ll treat her well, and give her the life she deserves. I think, given enough time, she’ll be ready to let the past go, and if she’s ready, I think she’ll allow herself to find a life with you.
So, it’s not her I’m worried about. It’s you and your impossibly high sense of honor. It’s okay to love her, Noah. I want you to. So don’t let me hold you back. And don’t let her slip through your fingers.
Spend time with her again. Get to know her like you never really let yourself when I was alive. And don’t let my ghost stand between you.
Give her the life she deserves, man. I’m counting on you for that. I know I’m assuming a lot here, but, like I said, I see the way you two look at each other. It doesn’t bother me, because I know right now, she loves me, not you. And I know you would never act on your attraction to her. I trust you both. Now trust me when I say, if you two want to move on together—I’m more than okay with that.
Take care of yourself, too. And, if you can get past your hang ups, let Lily take care of you. She does it so well. This letter makes me sound like a saint, but at the risk of ruining that image, I’m not gonna lie. I feel a little jealous that you might get to experience that, and I might not ever again, but the truth is, you’re just as deserving of happiness as she is. Remember that.
If you and Lily get together like I hope you do, give her the second page of this, and remember you both have my love.
Saint Brandon.
Lily inhaled deeply, blinking hard as tears slipped down her cheeks. Moving the first page out of the way, she took a few more bracing breaths and quickly read the sentences on the second page.
Lily flower,
If you’re reading this, Noah decided to stop being a dumbass, and you two are beginning a life together. You have to know I’d never let you go if I had a choice, but if you have this letter, then the choice was made for me. So, if that’s the case, there’s nothing I want more than for my two favorite people to be together. Let him love you, and love him in return. Just as much as you loved me. It’s what I want, and you guys have my blessing.
And you’re welcome for bringing him into our lives. It felt weirdly fated at the time, but I didn’t understand why. If I’m gone and you two are together, well… this might be it. Maybe the fates, God, whoever, knew the future and knew you needed someone like Noah in your life. Find your happiness again with him. Love well. Have kids. Live a long, full life with him. Just so long as you live.
All my love,
Brandon.
P.S. Noah might get to have you, but he doesn’t get my amazingly awesome nickname for you. Tell him to find his own.
Laughing, she blew out a breath and handed the letter back to Noah, leaving the note to her on the top. He took them from her and read her note quickly, chuckling huskily when he read the post script.
