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Yes. You. “No, I’m good.”
Why Jason? Why did you push me away as hard as you did?
I put on a pair of black gym shorts and a plain white tank top, and I waited for my dick to cooperate before I walked out of the bathroom with the threat of popping Jason’s eye out. It took a minute or two, but finally, my dick softened enough. I left the bathroom and followed the trail of light coming from an open door, where I assumed his bedroom would be.
Sure enough, I entered into the leafy sanctuary. “I didn’t know you turned into a plant gay.”
“It was a gradual shift,” Jason said, already in bed, resting on top of the covers. He wore a thin pair of light blue shorts that went far above his knee and a Blue Creek T-shirt, the sleeves cut off long ago. His feet crossed at the ankles, his toes bobbing to a song he must have been singing in his head.
All around us were plants: bright green ones, dark green ones, trailing ones, climbing ones, flowering ones. There was a bird of paradise that had to be as big as me, with a bright white flower growing from the top like a crown. A fig tree potted in a beautiful ceramic pot sat a few feet away from the bed, its thick green leaves swaying gently in the breeze coming from the open window. “I inherited a few of them from a friend who was moving out of state, and then it kind of snowballed from there.”
“Damn, once again, impressive.” I got into bed, setting my phone on the nightstand, trying hard to think about anything except how close Jason and I were… how easy it would be to take off our clothes… how delicious it would feel to hold him against my naked body.
And I was rock hard again. Fuck.
Jason turned off the lights and got under the covers, the bed shifting and dipping as if trying to push us together. I took a breath and reached under the covers, giving myself one rub before bringing my hand back up, not wanting to get carried away. I couldn’t exactly place why, but there had still been some hesitation present in Jason’s kiss. No one else would have likely noticed it, but I did. Jason used to kiss me as though the world were ending, each and every time, without any reservations or apprehensions. He could unravel me with his tongue alone, sending me to a galaxy far, far away once the rest of his body got involved.
Ever since I got to Blue Creek, though, I’d felt the same resistance from when we were younger. Right before everything blew up. As I stared up at the dark ceiling, I recalled a time when everything between us was as easy as breathing. We fit together. Laughing at unsaid jokes, burying any kind of arguments under a mound of kisses, being able to sit in silence together and still feel as connected as ever.
I wasn’t sure where exactly the words came from, but before I could stop them, they bubbled up to the surface and escaped into the dark room.
“I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“Everything. For not fighting harder to stay with you. For letting my shock and anger make me say some stupid shit. When you told me we could never be together… that word: never. It made me see red. Because all I wanted to do was stay with you forever, and you kept pushing me away. I couldn’t understand why—I still don’t really understand why, but I wish I wouldn’t have walked away like I did.
“And once you left the FBI, when I felt like we’d never be getting together, I lost it. I turned into a fuckboy, having meaningless hookups without ever feeling as good as I had with you. It made me even angrier at myself. It’s why I called you that one night, the day after Christmas. I was drunk and dumb and wanted you so bad.”
Jason sat up, the comforter shifting. “Matt…”
“I’m sorry. That’s all. I’m sorry for not fighting.”
“It’s not your fault. You don’t have to apologize for something you didn’t do, Matt. It had nothing to do with you.”
I sat up to meet his eyes in the dark room. The moonlight coming in through the window allowed me to make out his expression. Concern. Brows pulled together and eyes closing shut.
“What is it, then?” I couldn’t take it. Years I’d been waiting for this answer. “What made you tell me that we could never be together? That we had to end everything?”
Jason’s hand came up to rub over his face. I wanted to pull the answer from his lips, if that would make this any easier for him. It was right there. What I’d been waiting for for so long.
