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Not fifteen feet in front of me is Xavier facing off with Samson, holding a pistol straight out in front of him while Samson rears up on his hind legs.
“No!” I scream and run forward.
I’m not sure if I mean for Xavier not to shoot the horse or for Samson not to land and trample Xavier.
Either way, Xavier looks over at me and his entire demeanor changes. He lowers the pistol and races toward me.
“What the hell are you doing?” He shouts, shoving me behind him as he faces Samson. I can barely hear him above the rain. “Get back in the house.”
“What’s going on?” I shout back. “Why do you have a gun?”
Samson rears up once more and then settles, stamping and shuffling backward. It’s only then that I see Sugar moving along the side of the pasture fence not far away and—is she limping?
What the hell happened out here? Did Samson hurt her?
Xavier keeps his body between me and Samson, all the while facing the horse. With one arm on me, he shuffles us backward toward the barn, with the other, he lifts the gun at Samson again, jaw like iron.
When Samson takes a step toward us, he cocks the gun.
“Stop it!” I shout, grabbing his arm holding the gun. He immediately lowers it and turns on me, lifting me over his shoulder and walking briskly for the barn.
As soon as he gets me inside, he puts me down on my feet.
“Don’t you ever put our baby in harm’s way like that again!” he shouts at me. “What the fuck were you thinking? Are you a fucking idiot? How many times have I told you not to approach a horse when they are upset or you aren’t in control of the situation? That horse could have killed you both!”
I stand tall and strong in front of him even though he towers over me and is screaming at the top of his considerable lungs. “Put the gun down,” I say calmly.
It’s only then that he realizes he’s been waving a loaded gun at me while he rants. He freezes and I can see the absolute horror as it hits him.
It’s like he just shuts down.
An inhuman calmness takes over.
He lowers the weapon and uncocks it, then clicks the safety on and puts it in the back of his pant
s. We’re both soaking and breathing hard but suddenly his breaths even out like he flipped some kind of switch.
“I should have gelded Samson as soon as I got him on the property. Keeping him as a stallion for even a few months was a foolhardy and sentimental decision.” He speaks in such a monotone that he sounds like a robot. “He broke out of his paddock and mated with Sugar, injuring her in the process. I should have foreseen something like this happening. I failed her just like I failed so many before.”
“Xavier,” I start but he cuts me off.
“It’s not safe for you to stay here.”
“What?” I exclaim. “That’s ridiculous, we’ll get Samson gelded and—”
He gives a hard, decisive shake no. “The problem isn’t Samson. It’s me. I fail those who rely on me. And the consequences…” His jaw goes tight and his sight distant like he’s seeing something far beyond the stable. After a moment he refocuses. “I thought with this place… If I could just control enough factors, if I could train them correctly from the start…”
He looks around at the stable and for the briefest moment I think I see longing enter his eyes before they go dead again. “But no. First Hellfire. Now Sugar. I’ll always fail them.” Then he looks at me. “God forbid anyone entrust a human to me. It was bad enough that I already endangered you and the baby when I cut out after Hellfire.” He shakes his head. “Leaving you to do all the work, you could have lost the baby, but did I even consider that? No.” His eyes are darting everywhere. Unfocused. “You’ll leave with my father tonight.”
My mouth drops open. “I will not.” I laugh out a disbelieving scoff. “You’re insane if you think I’ll—”
Suddenly he’s whipped the gun out again, only this time he’s pointing it at his own head.
“Xavier!” I scream.
He unclicks the safety and cocks it. “I’m having a hard-enough time believing I deserve to be in this world at all. I should have died that day in Afghanistan. Those men were killed right in front of me because of something I caused. It should have been me.”
“Xavier, stop it! Put the gun down! We’re going to have a baby,” I cry. Tears pour down my cheeks. Oh God, how can he be saying these things? How can the man who’s stronger than anyone else I know believe this of himself?
