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Well, of course I knew what she would say. That I was being ridiculous. Of course I wasn’t a disease. It was what I would say to any friend who told me those things.
…so why couldn’t I say them to myself?
I’d left, hadn’t I?
I believed I was worth more. I knew there was more. And I’d felt that more-ness almost every day since I’d been here.
I felt it when I stepped out the door on the crisp, cold mornings and looked at the rolling hills bathed in the morning sunlight, wide eternal sky overhead.
I felt it when I fed the newborn calves who sucked so eagerly at the bottles and then ran rambunctiously around the yard together, playing and rollicking from the simple joy of being alive.
I felt it when I looked around the kitchen table and Reece and Jeremiah made jokes at each other’s expenses and laughter was easy and common.
I felt it when I rode the ATV and felt the wind biting against my face and my muscles burning by the end of the day from doing true, useful work out under the sun instead of being trapped, imprisoned inside all day.
I felt it last night when my body shuddered in orgasm and then I clutched to the warmth of another human being and listened to his heartbeat steady underneath my ear through the hours of the night.
I’d been so brave, and maybe I could be brave just a little longer.
Maybe I could… stay.
I breathed out, long and low. “Okay,” I said, peace coming as soon as the decision was made. “I’ll stay. A little longer, anyway.”
Ruth hugged me and let out a little, “Woo!” and then dragged me to my feet, saying she was starving and it was time for breakfast.
14
So I stayed. And a week later, I was still mostly glad about the decision. I’d started taking over the counter sleeping pills again. Okay, yeah, so I took twice the recommended dose. Sometimes with a glass of wine. But I just couldn’t handle the nightmares. Maybe that made me a coward, but I didn’t care. There was only so much I could deal with at once.
Especially since things between me and Reece were… well, awkward was putting it generously.
Reece wasn’t anywhere to be seen when I’d come downstairs that morning after everything happened.
Jeremiah was there instead, and from his tone when he spoke to me, I took it that he’d talked his brother into leaving to do chores.
“I hope you’ll stay. You’re a good worker. But I don’t want to in any way pressure you. If you want to go, I’m happy to give you your pay to date. Again, I apologize for my brother’s reckless actions. He’ll stay away from you if you decide to stay.”
I frowned, wanting to defend Reece. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He’d been kind and restrained the night before and I didn’t like the way Jeremiah saw his brother, as some kind of screw up. From the way Reece thought about himself, it seemed like it was this very sort of talk from his own brother that had dug deep and made him see himself as lesser or bad in some way. It was wrong. But I didn’t think Jeremiah could hear that in this moment. And certainly not from me.
Besides, did I really know either of them? No, no, I didn’t. And my track record with men hadn’t exactly been stellar. So maybe I was seeing things wrong.
Either way, staying away from Reece seemed like the best idea for everybody involved. I hated to cause strife between him and his brother. That was the last thing I wanted.
I said as much to Jeremiah that morning. “I’d like to stay. But I don’t mean to cause any problems.”
He waved a hand. “No, it’s not you. I’m sorry you got dragged into it. From here on out, things will be strictly professional. I’ll see to it.”
I frowned a little at that, not sure what he meant, but I was glad for the conflict of the moment to have been smoothed over.
And so life went on. I’d finally got my first paycheck since I’d been here a month, and as I thought, Jeremiah didn’t ask questions when I said I needed it in cash, beyond a lingering look. I’d gone with Ruth to a Walmart several towns over and bought some clothes, including new jeans all my own. And I was probably one of the few women who was delighted to find I was two full sizes larger than I used to be back when I lived with Jeff. That was what happened when you were no longer living on a starvation diet. I loved my new body. I loved every bit of transformation I could get that took away reminders of her.
