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He said it all so casually, and I felt my chest constrict in pain for whatever kept him awake at night. He’d once mentioned he and his brother had been homeless. Living in the Bay Area, I’d seen enough of the homeless kids to know that had to be a terribly tough life.
“Well, maybe…” I ventured slowly. “Maybe you should try another way. If, you know, bottling it up and shoving it down hasn’t worked in all this time.”
He looked over at me, blinking a few times like he was startled by my words. “Well, okay.” He paused for a long moment, then went on. “Like there was this one time I’d gotten really sick. January in San Francisco sucks, especially when you’re on the streets.”
Oh. Shit, I hadn’t meant for him to unbottle it and tell it to me, like, right now. I’d meant more that he should try talking to his brother about it. Or a therapist. But I nodded encouragingly anyway. I could be a good listener.
“You know how it is. It doesn’t snow, but the winters still get so brutal. The rain goes on for months and months some years, it just won’t stop. And always with that bone-chilling cold.”
I shivered just thinking about it. He was right. Winters in San Francisco could get cold in a way that wore down beneath the skin and stuck there. I’d liked to take long baths in winter, one of my few reprieves.
But Reece and his brother hadn’t even had a roof over their heads, much less hot water. Jesus, I couldn’t even imagine.
Reece looked outwards, eyes still to the night sky as he went on. “It was weeks, then months, of being so cold, and never getting all the way dry. I got real, real sick, and Jer and I were in line for a homeless shelter. We’d stand in line for those places all day long but they were always full up. So one day we’re standing in line even though it’s pouring rain. And when we get to the front door, they only have one spot left.
I watched Reece’s brow contract in pain as he retold the events. “I was shaking so bad with fever I barely knew what was going on. I was vaguely aware of Jeremiah arguing with the lady that we could share a cot, since we were obviously brothers.”
He gave a little shake of his head. “But the lady didn’t care and was sick of arguing, and about to give the spot to the man in line behind us when Jeremiah shoved me forwards. Then he took off, yelling that he’d find me in a few days. It was getting dark and he just disappeared and I was getting shuffled inside where it was nice and warm.”
Reece shut his eyes, his jaw flexing with the pain the memory obviously still caused him.
“I shoulda gone after him. We had a code. Never separate. No matter what.” He shook his head again. “I shoulda gone after him.”
“But you were sick,” I said, frowning. “You just said you had a fever and barely knew what was going on.”
Reece shrugged. “I was young and strong. I would have been fine anyway, most likely.”
I frowned harder. “If it had been him who was sick, what would you have done? Would you have wanted him to come after you?”
“Of course not,” he said quickly, a deep furrow appearing between his brows as he looked my way.
I raised an eyebrow, and he sank back, eyes going to the sky again. “I guess the what ifs don’t really matter. It’s not like I can go back and change it.”
“What… happened? Obviously, Jeremiah turned out okay.”
But by the look on Reece’s face, he seemed like he wasn’t so sure even though he shrugged and gave a half-nod.
“They got me showered and deloused and then gave me a warm cot with blankets. God, those warm, clean blankets. It felt like heaven after how we’d been living. I slept for two days straight, and on the third day, woke up feeling human again. I ate as much as I could, and stuffed the rest in my pockets for Jer. Then I went out looking for him.”
I held my breath.
“And I couldn’t find him.”
I wanted to reach out to touch him, but I didn’t dare. If he’d kept this inside for this long, maybe he just finally needed to let it out.
“The rain had finally let up, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. I was so scared he was—” Reece swallowed. “I was sure he was dead. I even checked with hospitals and obituaries and stuff. Every day I hung around the homeless shelter since that was the last place I’d seen him, but I also checked all the other places we’d usually go. He wasn’t anywhere and no one had seen him. I couldn’t think of any reason he wouldn’t come for me. We always had each other’s back. After awhile I thought, maybe… Maybe he was just finally tired of looking out for me and he’d split just like our mom.”
