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I could tell in Reece’s eyes that the reverse of earlier was happening now. His features knotted in pain. For me.
He leaned down and pressed the gentlest kiss to our hands clasped between us. When his eyes came back to mine, I could still see the pain in them. “I’m so sorry, Charlie.” And then, quieter. “Did he hurt you? Hit you?”
I didn’t ask how he knew. I just nodded, more tears flooding out. Some into my mouth, salt on my lips. Stupid, useless tears.
His eyes shut, and his grip on my hand became even firmer. He bowed his head into our linked hands. “I’m so sorry that happened to you, Charlie.”
“M-my given name is Penelope,” I whispered. “But I do feel like Charlie, sometimes anyway. I’m trying to become this new person. But I’m still haunted by my old life. It’s the ghost I can’t rid of. Right when I think I’ve got a handle on living again, when I think I could actually make a life…”
I shook my head. “Her memories hit and take me back and then it’s like I can barely even breathe or stand to be in this skin another second longer.”
I yanked my hand back from his and dragged my hands down my face. This was a bad idea. I didn’t feel better talking about this. Saying it all out loud made me feel raw and ragged and—
“Because you aren’t two different people, Charlie. She is you. You can’t pretend you didn’t go through what you went through and just ignore it.”
I dropped my hands and looked at him in shock. “Why not? Isn’t that what you just said you try to do?”
“Exactly.” He waved a hand. “And look how well it’s working out for me. I sleep maybe four hours a night, if I’m lucky!”
I slumped back in my chair, shaking my head. “You don’t understand.”
“What? What don’t I understand? Talk to me, Charlie. From everything you’re saying, you got caught by a manipulative abuser who kept you trapped for…how long? How long were you with him?”
“Almost ten years,” I said, my voice thick with shame.
“Charlotte. Oh my God.” He sounded stunned.
I stood up and turned away from him, unable to look at his face. “See? Not so heroic now. A stronger woman would have found a way to get out so much earlier.”
“What? Jesus, no. The fact that you got out at all, especially after so long, is a fucking miracle. It tells me you’re an amazingly resilient woman and frankly I’m shocked you’ve been keeping it together as well as you have. Ten years. Jesus Christ.”
I turned back around, feeling irrationally angry at him and his readiness to overlook my sins. “You don’t understand!” I said furiously. “I burned the crème. I got my baby killed!”
He sat, mouth dropped open, a horrible moment of life stretching out between us.
And then he said, “I’m gonna need a little more than that.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, the words coming out in a babble. “I knew. I knew what would happen if I stayed. So why the hell didn’t I leave? I should’ve left! I don’t care that he was having me followed. If it wasn’t the stupid fucking crème anglaise it would have been something else. I could have made it to a women’s shelter maybe. I could have done anything else but what I did. Staying in that house a second after I found out was a death sentence for my baby. He couldn’t even stand me loving the dog. Why did I think a baby—”
His arms suddenly closed around me. He hugged me so tight. So tight I could barely breath and I didn’t want to. My grief was choking me.
“It’s not your fault. God, I know that’s cliché—” His arms squeezed even tighter. “I don’t know if you’ll ever believe me. But it’s only his fault, whatever happened to your baby.”
“He never got a chance to be born. He never even had a chance—"
Reece pulled back, hands still gripping my shoulders as he looked into my eyes. “You are not responsible for whatever that evil bastard did.”
He just didn’t understand. “But I could have—”
“You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Plus from what you just said, you’d tried to get away before.”
I immediately shook my head. “But if I’d only—”
“Only what? Had the hindsight of 20/20 somehow magically when there was no way you could have? You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Let go of everything else.”
I scoffed, tears burning. “Tell that to yourself. You just told me you can’t forgive yourself for not running after your brother even though you were about to drop from fever and couldn’t have had any clue what was going to happen to him.”
