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The clothes dropped to the floor.
David closed his eyes, not wanting to see the anger on his face, the rage that David would still keep such a thing close to him. Yeah, he’d seen Phillip’s bare finger when he’d arrived tonight and had compartmentalized that away for later when he could break something. He’d still been wearing it last summer, and even though he’d been at the benefit with Keith, David had thought savagely, yes, you’re here with him, but he’s still married to me. He’s still wearing the ring I gave him.
Phillip brought it up to his face to see the inscription inside.
Olive juice.
(“Papa!” Alice cried when Phillip walked through the door. She was three, almost four, and chubby and the most beautiful thing in the world. “Guess what I learned today!”
“What?” Phillip exclaimed, just as bright, winking at David, who leaned against the entryway into the kitchen.
“It’s a secret code,” she said, eyes wide. Phillip picked her up, and she sat in the crook of his arm, hands squishing his face. “Daddy taught me.”
“A secret code?” Phillip gasped. “Tell me.”
She leaned forward, looking him straight in the eye, and said, “Olive juice.”
David snorted when Phillip glanced at him, bewildered, before he looked back at their daughter. “Olive juice,” he said slowly. “Of course, because that means….”
Alice laughed. “Silly Papa. It means I love you. Because it sounds the same.”
“Only when you whisper it,” David reminded her.
“Oh,” she said. “I forgot.” She leaned forward, her forehead pressed against Phillip’s, and she whispered, “Olive juice.”
Phillip grinned and whispered back, “Olive juice too.”
And when it came time to decide what should be engraved on the rings, they didn’t even have to think very long. Because olive juice was theirs, but it was also hers, and it belonged to all of them, their secret code, and it was carved into the rings and worn against their skin day after day after day.)
“Why do you have this?” Phillip asked him quietly.
David didn’t answer.
“David.”
He closed his eyes. “I just—I wanted. I—” He felt helpless. “I wear it. Okay? I wear it because it’s the only thing I have left, and you don’t have to wear yours ever again and that’s okay too. But please don’t take this away from me. Please let me have this. Please. I promise you won’t have to see it, but please give it back to me. It’s mine, and it’s all I have, and I just—I want it. Please. I want it, I want it, I need it. Okay, I need it. I—”
Lips pressed against his own, pushing them back against his teeth. He was shaking, and his face was wet, and everything hurt, but he was being kissed, kissed, kissed. It wasn’t romantic, and it wasn’t sweet, but it felt like breathing, like he ached. Like he was living and dying a thousand little deaths, and he gasped against Phillip’s mouth, trying to pull away and take even more all at the same time.
They stood there, lips together,
Phillip’s hand wrapped around his neck, holding David against him, grounding him, anchoring him back down even though he felt like he still might blow away into nothing.
He was being kissed, but he was also still trying to speak, wanting to beg Phillip not to take this last little thing he had left, and Phillip was shushing him, telling him to settle, to calm, David, you need to breathe, just breathe, though his words were a bit hazy. And David did, after a time, breath hitching in his chest, feeling raw and hollow, like everything inside had been scraped out and laid bare.
It went on like that. For a time.
Phillip kissed him and kissed him and kissed him, and one of them was crying or both of them were crying, but it didn’t really matter. He was standing in this house, wearing these clothes, and he was clutching at Phillip, not daring to let him go in case he left and never came back. If this was going to be it, if this was good-bye, then he wanted to take what he could.
Things were starting to become clear again, and he heard Phillip murmuring near his ear, saying, “You sap, you old sap, you stupid, stupid man, why are you like this? Why did we let it get this far? You stupid man. I am so angry with you. I love you so much.”
David tightened his grip as Phillip pulled back a little. He looked at him and he could still see the man he’d been all those years ago, standing in front of an apartment door, both of them fumbling awkwardly, both of them thinking that the other was different, they were different, and something was happening here. Phillip’s eyes were wide and wet, and his bottom lip was trembling like he was holding on as best he could, like he was being brave.
“You’re so stupid!” Phillip cried at him. “How could you be so stupid? You have this. You kept this. I thought you—I thought you didn’t want—” He growled angrily, shaking his head. He jerked one of his arms out of David’s hands, and no, no, no, please, don’t do this, please don’t—
But he wasn’t stepping back. He wasn’t trying to get away from David. He reached up and pulled a chain out from under the sweatshirt, the metal thin and silver.
At the end of it was the matching gold ring.
