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I roll my eyes as I finish his tie. “And why were you talking to Suzie Goodman?” I ask, ignoring the flash of jealousy that I want no part of. I know as well as Cal does that he’d never do anything with her. He just likes to get a rise out of me. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest, though I do cinch his tie more tightly than I need to.
“I was reading on the computer that you have to keep your man interested, so it’s always good to make sure he knows others are.”
I frown at him. “Angels are not allowed to go on the Internet.”
He winces. “Probably a good idea. That place has so much porn.”
I don’t want to know. Okay, I do. “Let’s just get through this so we can come back to Little House.”
Cal kisses me gently before walking out of our room. “Sure thing,” he calls over his shoulder. “I did learn some things on the Internet that I want to try on you. It’s not all bad.”
I stare after him as his laughter floats back to me.
It’s a warm spring evening, the Jump Into Summer Festival now only a week away.
Mom has invited Cal and me up for dinner at Big House with the rest of the family. She and I have kept our distance from each other since that night in the cemetery weeks before. It wasn’t anything unusual for us, at least at first. Even though we live right next to each other, there’s been times since I moved into Little House that we have gone months without seeing each other. We leave notes here and there. Maybe a text message or two. A voice mail if it’s really important.
But now I have a life preserver of sorts, someone who is trying to keep me afloat. He has his hand curled in mine as we walk up the hill toward Big House, the sun already starting to se
t. A sweet breeze that smells like the trees washes over us, and for a moment, a brief second, I’m able to forget about everything that has happened, and everything that could still happen. For a moment, I’m walking up the driveway to Big House with my boyfriend to have dinner with people I care about. For a moment, I’m twenty-one years old and don’t know what true pain feels like. I am young and alive and ready to face anything the world throws at me. I don’t have a goddamn care in the world. Nothing can touch me. Nothing can hurt us. As long as I have this man by my side, as long as I can look the four women and one man who wait for us in Big House straight in the eye and tell them everything I’m feeling, then nothing else matters. It’s a lovely thought, deceptive though it might be.
Nina waits for us on the porch. She stands as we approach her, looking almost shy. “Do you like my new dress?” she asks, twirling around. “It was blue so I thought of Blue.” And it is, a dark-blue sundress that reminds me of his wings. It has little ruffles on the shoulders and white flowers sewn into the fabric. “Mary helped me pick it out.”
Cal lets go of my hand and stands in front of Nina, then bends over until they are face to face. “It’s the prettiest dress in the world,” he tells her seriously. “And you look very beautiful, little one. But then you always have.”
She giggles as she blushes, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing his cheek. I should have known she would be perceptive to the changes in him, that she could see things no one else would. She stiffens against him and her eyes go wide. “How?” she whispers as she stares at me. “What did you do?”
Wow. It sure is bright today.
The stars?
Oh, no.
The moon?
Bless the moon, but no. What did you do today?
I was at work, Nina. You know that. At the store.
No, Benji. What did you do?
I wait, feeling uneasy.
She pulls from his embrace and looks up at him. I can’t see his face, but his posture is tense. “Things are different,” Nina says as she squints, as if trying to physically see just what she felt. For all I know, maybe she can.
“It’s not a bad thing,” I hear Cal say in a low voice.
“But you hurt,” she says, her lip quivering. “You ache in the haze of your mind. The pieces are shattered and you’re trying to put them back together. Why do you want to remember so bad? Aren’t you happy here? Can’t you just live for now instead of then?” Her gaze flickers over to me as she says this last, and I have to look away.
“Because,” he whispers as his shoulders slump, “I have to know what happened. I have to know what I did. I have to find out what I can do to make things right. This is my test, I think.”
I start forward, wanting to wrap myself around him, to take him away from here back to the moment where nothing could touch us and none of this stuff mattered. But I stop as Nina speaks again. “If you did do something wrong, could you forgive yourself?”
“I am more worried about others forgiving me.”
“Your Father?”
He sighs. “Among others.” The intent of his words isn’t lost on me.
