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She shook her head. Took in a great gasping breath.
Impossible, I heard my father whisper in my head. Improbable.
I couldn’t move. “What?” I said. “What? Oh, no. What? Oh, please just tell me what.”
Her eyes welled. “He’s…. Oh, my God.”
Choke your hands up on the bat, son. It’s the only way to get a good swing in. Not that high, a little lower. There you go. All right. Incoming, you ready?
Pain in my stomach, sharp and burning. I wrapped my arms around myself, clutching as I bent over and gagged. A low moan escaped me. “Ah,” I said. “Ah. Ah.”
“He’s gone, Benji.”
Heard another one today, Benji. It’s bad. You ready? Did you hear about the guy that went to a zoo that had no animals except for a dog? It was a Shiatzu!
“Oh my God, Big Eddie is gone,” my mother said.
Hand me the 5/8wrench, Benji. We’ll see if we can get this son of a bitch started. Motherfucker ain’t gonna get away from us, no sir. This bastard is ours.
“I don’t know how it—oh, Christ,” she cried.
C’mon, son! You’re better than this. How could you get a C in English class? It is your first language, after all. I’m kidding! Ha, ha! Don’t give me that look, just do better, for Christ’s sake.
“This isn’t real. This isn’t real,” she said, taking another stumbling step.
I will always look you in the eye. I’ve raised you to be honest and kind. I’ve raised you to be brave and strong. If you can become the man I think you’ll be, then you and me will always be eye to eye. You get me?
“My heart—oh, how my heart hurts,” she moaned as she gripped the countertop.
And you know what my father told me? He told me I wouldn’t amount to anything. He told me I would come crawling back. That I wouldn’t be able to stand on my own two feet. He said it’s what I deserved for getting your mom pregnant when we were so young. But you know what? I never crawled back. I amounted to something, though it might not be much. I am standing tall. And you know what else? I’ve still got your mom. And you, my son. I’ve still got you. And damn if that isn’t the only thing I could ever want.
“You shut your mouth,” I said hoarsely.
My mother recoiled as if I’d slapped her, her eyes wide. She recovered and started to move toward me again. I knew I should have taken her in my arms then, held her close, protected her with all I had, but she’d brought the rain and I couldn’t seem to find the rationality in all my horror.
“Back off,” I hissed at her through gritted teeth. My eyes were burning, my stomach sick. “You’re lying. Why are you lying? Why would you say that to me?”
“No,” she moaned. “No, baby, I’m not. There was an accident, his truck went off the—”
I wanted to go to her, to hug her. Protect her. But she had brought in the rain and I couldn’t bring myself to console her. “You’re lying!” I shouted.
“Benji, you need to listen to me!” she cried. “You need to hear me! He’s—”
“No,” I snarled at her. “He’s not dead. He’s not dead! I would know if he was! I would know because I would feel it! He wouldn’t do that to me! He wouldn’t dare!” I stepped away from her so she couldn’t touch me, so I wouldn’t feel her skin against mine. It burned. It hurt. It felt like betrayal, heavy and real. This isn’t truth! I screamed in my head. This isn’t truth! She lies. She lies with her fucking mouth!
“There was an accident,” she said tearfully, moving around the counter. “The truck rolled down an embankment. Out near seventy-seven.”
“No. You lie. Stop it. Please, oh please, just stop.” He can’t be dead because I would feel it. I would know. There would be a light extinguished within me and it would be dark, it would all be dark and I would know. He’s my fucking father. He’s not supposed to leave me. Not now. Not yet. Not ever. We had a deal. We had a deal that he was going to stay alive forever because he’s my dad. He’s Big Eddie. Nothing happens to Big Eddie. Nothing.
She came around the side, her face wet. “The truck went into the river,” she said, her voice breaking on the last word. “They don’t know yet how long he was in there. In the river.”
She was cornering me, and I growled at her, teeth bared, panic bubbling to the surface. She was trapping me, trapping me with her lies, her stupid fucking lies.
“Don’t come any closer,” I warned her in a low voice. “Dad’s in Eugene with his friends. He’s with his friends and hanging out.” Then something hit me. It was afternoon. Dad had told me he’d be back by the afternoon. He’d be at the house. Mom just got confused. She got confused with her lies. He’d be at the house. He was at home.
“He’s at home,” I said brightly, even as my heart shattered and my mind broke. “It’s afternoon and he’s at home.” I ignored the tears falling on my face, the way my nose ran. I ignored the way I sounded hysterical, the way hiccups interrupted my words. “He went home because he told me he’d come home in the afternoon.”
She stood a couple of feet away from me and reached out a hand before thinking better of it and pulling it back. “No,” she croaked. “No, baby. No. Big Eddie’s gone. Sweetheart, oh. Oh my God. How… I don’t know….” She started crying again and slumped against the counter. She’d be okay, I knew as I pulled my keys from a pocket. Even if she was a liar, she’d be okay because Dad was at home and I’d go get him. I’d go get him and bring him back to the store and she’d see. She’d see him standing so fucking big and so fucking tall he’d block out the darkened sky, and as she stood in his shadow, her tears would dry and she’d smile such a beautiful smile and she’d tell me she’s sorry. She’d be so damn sorry for all the lies she’d just told. She’d see. I’d show her if it was the last thing I did.
