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“No,” I manage to say. “Just… wait.”
“But….”
“Cal… wait.?
??
He sighs but I can feel him settle against the door again, his weight pushing it against my hands. I take another breath, letting my head rest upon the wood. For a moment, it’s like I can feel him there, just on the other side. There’s a heat against my skin, a bright burst. It’s so warm I almost have to pull away for fear of burning, but it subsides, only giving residual pulses. It’s his fear, I think, fighting against the lump in my throat. It’s his anger, his sorrow. It’s whatever causes him to find the black, the tide he rises against. It’s there because of me.
I turn and slump against the door, sliding until my ass reaches the floor. He’s mere inches away but there’s a wall between us, one that is more substantial than the door. I need to tear it down. I need to break through, but I don’t know how.
You know, my father whispers. Oh, Benji. You know. You built it, so you can destroy it.
“Benji,” Cal says through the door.
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry. You know, for….”
I bow my forehead into my hands. “Yeah. Didn’t think I’d see you again. Thought you’d left.”
His reply is muffled and quiet. “That’s not what I wanted you to think. I’m sor—”
“No. It’s not your fault. It should be me apologizing to you. Again.”
He’s confused. “But you didn’t do—”
“Yes, I did. I did everything. I pushed, Cal. I pushed and pushed because I thought that knowing what I needed to know mattered more than you not being able to remember. I shouldn’t have done that. There’s no excuse.”
Quiet, for a time. Then, “You had your reasons. I don’t blame you. I can’t.”
“Why do you do that?”
“What?”
“You justify my being an asshole. You do it all the time.”
He chuckles and there’s a bump against the door, like he is laying his head against it. “It’s because I see the good in you. It’s bright, you know. Like the sunrise. Like the sun rising on my face. I watched the sunrise every morning while I was gone. It reminded me of you.”
“Where’d you go?” I choke out.
He sighs again. “The woods. I wandered for a bit. I watched for the threads, but I couldn’t see any. Not the whole time I was gone. I was worried about it, wondering if they were hidden from me. But I don’t think they were.”
“Nothing bad happened while you were gone. Not really.”
“Oh. That’s good. I hoped.”
“Cal?”
“Yes, Benji?”
“Why did you go?”
“I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“No, that’s not the—Look, that’s in the past. It’s done. You’re here. I’m here.”
“Are you?” There’s a rustling against the door, like he’s rubbing his hand against it.
