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‘My assumption has to be that you chose virginity because you saw it as, shall we say, a good business decision—an insurance policy that would mature with handsome dividends when it was offered to your chosen recipient: your exclusivity sexually, both past and future, in exchange for the right kind of marriage. I do not doubt that there are men, wealthy men, who are willing to make such a barter in return for the security that comes from knowing that their wife is indeed a model of virtue. However, I am not one of those men. To be blunt, I have no intention of making a commitment to any woman ever, either inside marriage or outside it, and had you told me the truth about yourself first, I would have suggested that you retained your virginity to bestow on someone else. Sexually, what we shared last night was very enjoyable, but that was all it was for me. A fleeting enjoyment which is now over and will be quickly forgotten. I am sorry if my words offend or upset you, but it is better that you know the truth. It would be cruel of me indeed to allow you to hope for something I have no intention of giving you or anyone else.’
Keira felt each word like a blow to her heart and her pride. He was both wrong about her and right. She had not set out to use her virginity to force him into a commitment, but she had given it up to him because she herself had made an emotional commitment to him. He must never know that, though. Not now. For her pride’s sake she had to salvage what she could of the situation and her self-respect.
It did not help that she was lying naked under the bedclothes whilst he was fully dressed. Didn’t it tell her all she really needed to know about him that even now, when he was humiliating her, he had taken for himself every advantage there was to be had in order to give himself more power than her. He was dressed; she wasn’t. He had the light behind him; she had it on her. He had had time to plan and rehearse what he intended to say; she had not. Well, luckily for her, living with her great-aunt had taught her a great deal about how to defend herself when she was the weaker party.
She pulled the bedclothes securely around her body and sat up.
‘I appreciate what you’re saying,’ she told him, trying to keep her voice as cool and focused as his had been, ‘but I must tell you that once again you’ve reached a conclusion about me that isn’t correct.’
There was a telling silence during which Keira waited, praying that he wouldn’t tell her outright that he didn’t believe her.
His assessing, ‘Meaning?’ had her exhaling unsteadily.
‘Meaning that, yes, I had chosen to remain a virgin, but the reason I did so had nothing whatsoever with any desire on my part to get married. Far from it.’
He had moved slightly, but she still could not see his face.
‘You remained a virgin because you don’t want to get married? Forgive me, but I have to say that I don’t…’
Any minute now he was going to start asking questions she could not answer. She had to head him off with something plausible.
‘I wanted a career and my own independence, and as a teenager it seemed to me that as soon as a girl fell in love she stopped wanting those things. So I vowed not to fall in love. It was far too dangerous. Remaining a virgin was a by-product of my decision not to fall in love.’
She gave what she hoped was a convincingly careless small shrug.
‘Obviously as I’ve grown older I’ve been able to recognise that it is possible to have sex and remain emotionally independent, and I had begun to wonder what I might be missing because of a decision made when I was very immature.’
‘And you’ve been looking round for someone to experience sex with? Is that what you’re trying to say?’
Keira actually managed to laugh.
‘I hadn’t got as far as that, and if I had done there would have been the embarrassment of my virginity to deal with. I’m old enough to understand that what happened between us was something that neither of us expected to happen and that both of us would probably have preferred not to have happened.’
There had been the clear ring of truth in her voice when she had spoken about her vow not to fall in love and her fear of doing so, Jay acknowledged. He had already misjudged her once. His pride didn’t want him doing so a second time. It made sense for him to accept what she was saying, but at the same time he still intended to reinforce his own message to her by putting things on a strictly business footing.
