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Ever since the suicide attempt and the brain damage, he’s had the mind of a child.
A very clever child capable of general reasoning, but right now it’s not hard to tell there’s memory, logic, empathy firing behind his eyes. Barrett carries himself in a way he hasn’t for years.
If this is gone tomorrow—if he regresses—I know it’ll feel like losing him all over again.
That’s okay.
He’ll still be here.
He’ll still have me.
I’m so caught up in not breaking down in front of him that I almost don’t hear his question. “Roland, man. You’re weird today... Did something happen?”
Late nights sneaking into each other’s rooms.
Whispering under blankets by flashlight.
Talking about girls from school.
Giving each other endless mountains of shit.
That’s where he is, smack dab in our teen years.
That time when we told each other everything, with the innocence of boys I wish we could still be.
I want to tell him so much now. Fuck, why can’t I?
Maybe he’ll forget tomorrow, but for now he knows us, he knows me, and it would hurt to hold anything back from him.
If I need anyone now, it’s my brother.
“Do you remember Callie?” I ask.
I expect him to say no.
He only frowns, his memory working, then he perks up. “She was your girlfriend a few years ago, right?”
Shit.
That catches me off guard.
It’s not accurate, however, he’s processing enough to fit Callie into a place in his mind. To him, she was years in the past, rather than weeks.
That’s not the important part.
He remembers her.
He remembers her with me.
He remembers seeing something spark between us that was obviously romantic.
“Yeah,” I whisper. “Only, you know, we were supposed to be together now. Maybe. I don’t know, man. I screwed it up, Barry. I screwed up big-time. I did something really shitty—incredibly stupid—and she’ll never talk to me again.”
He lets out an amused snort.
“What’d you do, snap her bra strap?”
“Worse. I shut her out. I got mad at her over something that wasn’t wrong.” I shrug with a listless smile. “I was a fucking jerk.”
“Shhh! Don’t let Dad hear you say that or he’ll make you wash his car for two weeks.” Barrett’s voice drops, and he looks over his shoulder like he’s expecting our father to catch us up late and ground us for life. Then he looks back at me.
I hope my smile doesn’t scare him.
For a minute, he almost looks his age, an adult with a strange innocence in his eyes.
It feels almost like a friend my own age asking when he says, “Why don’t you tell her? You’re so bad at...you know, telling people how you feel, y’know? Remember Dana Carville?”
I don’t.
Not until Barry reminds me.
A girl I swore I was in love with all through high school, even if back then I’d been too young to know what love was.
Senior year, I had the chance to invite her to prom.
Surprise, surprise, I blew it.
Turns out, she liked me, too. It didn’t stop us from doing this juvenile back-and-forth dance where we were both afraid to open up. When one of her friends tried dropping hints, I blew it off to try to look cool and not give away how much my palms were sweating, terrified I’d misread everything and embarrass myself.
Except I hadn’t realized she was in earshot and heard the whole thing.
She wound up at prom with Josh Granger.
“I still haven’t forgiven Granger,” I mutter.
“Yeah, well, he wasn’t the one who fucked up,” Barrett says, giving another nervous look over his shoulder when he says fucked. “You were. So maybe try being honest with Callie? Have you ever done that, huh?”
“No.” I drag a hand over my face. “That’s the problem. I should be, and I’m not.”
“Yeah, well...” He smiles at me with a patience that almost makes me laugh. “You’re a flaming dumbass sometimes, Roland. If you feel it, show it. You gotta let the whole world know it.”
That makes me do a double take.
That’s another line from “Suit of Armor.”
I’m not sure he even realizes it, but fuck.
Barrett, are you in there?
I search his eyes, my heart drumming, but he frowns, looking at me weirdly before laughing.
“Dude, quit staring. You’re freaking me out! Do I got a booger or something? A zit? They’ve sucked elephant balls lately. You shoulda warned me how much growing up blows.”
I smile faintly and exhale.
“Sorry. I was hoping you’d stay a runt forever.” I reach out to ruffle his hair, pushing myself off the piano bench. “Gotta go, Barrett. You gave me an idea, so I’ll blame you for what’s coming. I guess I’ve just got to let the whole world know it.”
Barrett grins. “Go! Go get your girl.”
I just chuckle and turn to leave, but I stop when he calls at my back.
“Hey, Roland?”
“Yeah?” I turn around and look at him.
“Hey, um...if Dad says it’s okay and we’re not out too late...” He pauses, fidgeting. “Uh, one of the nice ladies had this magazine, and it says the lead guy from Four Times Crazy’s doing a show soon. Can we go? Please? Will you take me?”
