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“No. Not yet. It was so late, and we were both drained from the stress. We just crashed.” He stroked a finger over Kayla’s soft cheek. “I didn’t want her to leave. How fucked up is that?”
“It’s only fucked up if you let her leave today without working your shit out,” Jag said.
“Yeah.” Hopefully, Hannah wouldn’t wake and sneak out of the house before he had a chance to apologize. Hell, before he had a chance to figure out what the hell he was going to say to apologize. No matter how much brain power he’d dedicated to her since the last time they’d spoken, he hadn’t sorted it all in his head. Looked like he’d be winging it.
If she hadn’t snuck out already.
He wouldn’t blame her if she did.
“How about this. You go down and talk to her. If it goes well, take as long as you need to…make up.” Jag winked. “I’ll hang with my best girl. Get her breakfast and dressed. Ian is supposed to be checking in this morning. I know he’d love to see her. She can FaceTime him with me.”
JP frowned. Ian had just called a few days ago and typically only checked in every couple of weeks. “Everything okay with him?”
“Not sure. His text was a little cryptic. I’ll find out soon.”
“I don’t know if I should be away from her today.” What if she spiked a fever again? What if she cried the whole time? What if she felt sick?
“You’ll be one staircase away, JP, not across the state. I’ll come get you if anything changes or if I have concerns. Trust me, I’m not about to try to handle shit myself if she seems sick.”
Biting his lower lip, JP watched his daughter. She seemed fine. A little snotty, but she was acting normal, trying to chew on Jagger’s shirt and yanking his beard. “Okay.” He lifted a finger. “But you find me the second anything changes or if you even have a small inkling that something might not be right. Like if you’re questioning anything. Got it?”
“Got it.” A smug grin crossed Jagger’s face. “Never thought I’d see the day you turned into a mother hen.”
JP flipped him off.
With a gasp, Jagger covered Kayla’s eyes— well, her whole face—with his huge hand. “How dare you use such a vulgar gesture around my niece. What kind of father are you?”
What kind of father was he? Right now, when she was a baby, that question wasn’t hard to answer. He was a father trying to survive. Later, he’d be responsible for teaching her morals, politeness, street smarts, kindness. So many heavy topics that would help shape the way she viewed the world and her place in it. How the hell was he supposed to manage such an important job when he’d never had a positive father figure in his own life?
“Hey,” Jag said, snapping him out of his thoughts. “You know I’m kidding, right? You’re doing an amazing job.”
“Thanks.” They didn’t often speak of their father, who was currently serving an eighteen-month sentence a few hours away. Nor did they speak of their shitty upbringing, the abuse and neglect, or the untimely death of their mother. “You know, I look at her, and I would do anything. Any goddammed thing in this entire world to keep her safe, warm, and fed. It’s gonna be hard not to helicopter her because the idea of her being sad or hurt by the world is devastating, even knowing in some cases it will be best for her to muddle through situations on her own. But I’ll always be there if she needs me. With all the scary things in this world, the one constant will be me. That she’ll never have to fear me. Not a single second in her life.”
Jagger frowned. “JP, I know all this. No one wonders this about you. You don’t have it in you to hurt the ones you love.”
“But how did he?” He rubbed a hand over his chest where an ache formed in his heart. “How did he look at his five children and not give a single shit whether we were hungry, safe, warm, educated, even fucking alive?”
Understanding dawned in Jagger’s eyes. “He’s a special kind of asshole, JP. And you’re not going to become that kind of father.”
“I’m trying. I just…now that she’s in my life, I can’t understand how a father becomes one like ours. I never wanted this because I was so afraid I’d become him.” He shrugged. “I’m still petrified of being a shitty father, but I’m at the point where the abuse and hatred is baffling.”
“That’s because you’re a good man, JP.”
“Well, I owe that to you and Keith. You did all the things he should have done.”
Jag smiled at him but didn’t say anything.
