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This time she’d gone and shown just how needy she was. For some kind of acceptance. It made her cringe. She knew better than to show this much of herself. Than to be anything more than self-contained.
Her mother had been that way. So perfect. So gracious. And she’d tried. Rachel had always tried, and never quite lived up to it all. She’d failed eleven years ago, on purpose and with blazing, spectacular glory because at the time it had seemed better than trying so hard and still not measuring up.
And she’d failed again with Alex.
“I think I need...”
“A cigarette?” he asked.
She laughed. “No. Oh, man...I haven’t had a cigarette in...more than a decade.”
“But you’ve had one? I’m shocked.”
She took a deep breath. “I think you’re too easily shocked. Everyone has a past, you know.”
“Oh, believe me,” he said. “I know about pasts.”
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“You seem far too...good, to have a past,” he said, frowning.
“I seem good? After that? I need to work on my moves.”
“I just mean...you were a virgin. You’ve never had your name in the paper for anything even remotely scandalous.”
“By design. All of it. Anyway, since when does virginity equal goodness? Mine’s certainly not a reflection of that. It was...fear, mostly.”
“You didn’t seem afraid that night with me. Though you did tremble a bit.”
“I hate you.”
He stood up, naked still and entirely unconcerned.
“I’ll bet the people in the building across the way are getting a show.”
He turned and waved. “Probably.”
“Good grief, Alex, have you no shame?”
“No. A product of my upbringing, I’m afraid. Hard to have shame raised in the environment I was.”
“But the people across from us might have shame.”
He grinned and bent, grabbing his black underwear and tugging them back on. “There, how’s that?”
“Better for some,” she said.
“Not you?”
She felt her face get hot. “Not really.”
“How is it you kept all this passion hidden for so long?”
“I hid it so well, I even hid it from me,” she said, hoping to redirect the subject. Away from things like this. Away from drunken parties and stupid decisions. “Plus... Look, I’ve made some crappy decisions, okay? And I almost got burned seriously and permanently because of it. Who am I kidding? I did get burned just...privately. I learned my lesson, though. I learned that you can’t just do things without consequences catching up with you.”
“Do you have lung problems from all your smoking?” he asked, his tone dry.
