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Ajax was silent for a long moment, his dark brows drawn together, his focus out the window. Finally he spoke. “Whatever our father said, whatever words he might have used, in my mind there was one thing he never did. One thing that he was missing that, had it ever taken root, would have changed the way he lived his life.”
“And what is that?”
“He didn’t have love, Alex. I think that’s the thing that changes us. It’s the only thing, at least in my experience, that can banish the monster.”
“Love is what made my mother kill herself,” he said, his tone flat.
“What do drugs do to you, Alex?” Ajax asked.
“They’re addicting.”
“They make you feel things,” Ajax said, meeting his eyes now. “They make you need them. But you don’t love them. They ruin you, make you think you can’t live without them. Addiction isn’t love. Which do you think your mother really felt for our father?”
Alex almost choked. “I...I’m not certain.”
“Love is the thing that changed me,” he said. “From Joseph Holt, to Leah, love was what truly healed me. It wasn’t money or power. It wasn’t vengeance. I didn’t deserve it, either, but when I accepted it...that was when I changed. Think about it. Think about what love really is.”
“I will.”
“I hope you do. I really mean that.”
Alex walked out of the office and down the hall, numb as he stepped into the elevator. Love. He was in love. A lot of good it did anyone.
He let out a roar of frustration and hit his fist on the button panel of the elevator, swearing roundly when it lit up several more buttons that signaled he would be taking a few more stops than he wanted on his way down to the lobby.
He leaned back against the wall, his heart pounding so hard he thought he might be having a medical crisis.
Was it so simple? Just loving and trusting that love would make it all right? That it would bring forgiveness for everything that had happened? That it would stay? Could he truly have it, finally? The thing he’d craved his whole life?
Was it so simple to just say, “I love you, and I’m a mess and you deserve better? But please love me anyway”?
Would love light the way and keep him from going back into darkness? Would it make him a man deserving of that perfect, beautiful woman?
He pictured Rachel’s face. Her beautiful smile.
Yes. Dammit. Yes. It would be enough.
He would never be worthy of her. Ever. She deserved a man who was whole. A man who would never dream of seducing a woman to get revenge on an enemy.
He wasn’t that man. But he would let her cry, let her feel, and he would listen to her sing off key. He would hold her close at night and he would change their baby’s diapers, because he wanted to be with her, and to share everything in this new, amazing life that he’d never once imagined he might have.
The elevator stopped. Fifth floor, of all the stupid things.
Then it stopped again.
And again.
