AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“You won’t,” Carla assured her. “Or if you do, at least we’ll die shrews together. We can get old together, you and me. We can watch our boobs sag down to our waists and our butts expand and-”
“Oh god, stop. I can’t take it!”
Carla grinned. “So… dating profile it is then?”
“I just got out of a relationship! I don’t need to jump back into another one.”
“Darling, dating is one thing. Relationships are another. What you need is to learn how to relax. You’re never going to find the right guy if you think every guy is the right guy and try to force them into being that.”
“Is that what I do?” Muffy asked, horrified. Carla could be pretty darn blunt at the best of times.
“Yeah,” Carla admitted. “You kind of do. You just need to let your hair down and have a little fun. I mean seriously. Let. Your. Hair. Down. Stop doing it up in those super-tight buns that make your eyes look extra-long at the corners.”
“They do not!”
“You know what I mean. You just need to learn how to have fun. Don’t look for something serious. We can put that right in the profile. Some people just don’t want to be lonely. They’re looking for fun and a connection and if they have that, they want to see where it goes. That’s the type of thing I’m talking about.”
“Says the person who doesn’t date.”
“Just because I don’t date, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to have fun. Girls have itches. Urges. Whatever.”
“I don’t even want to know.”
Carla just blinked and offered Muffy a sly smile. “I think we both already know.”
“Yes, yes we do. I know way too much. Sometimes I wish I could bleach my ears.”
“I’m sure you do. But your profile… it’s going to be the best one on there and you’ll be having all sorts of balls thrown your way. Old balls, since that’s what you seem to like. Young balls, hairy balls, hairless balls, tight balls, saggy balls…”
“I get the idea,” Muffy groaned.
She closed her eyes and slammed her hands over her ears. Why did her life always have to turn into a massive disaster?
CHAPTER 2
Alex
“It’s a thing. Women like men who have money. They like the money. They like being pampered and spoiled. That’s why the terms Sugar Daddy and trophy wife exist. We can’t have meaningful relationships with a woman because we have fuck loads of money and it stops them from seeing or liking us for anything other than what we can do for them.”
Alex leaned back in his chair. The thing cost like a million dollars, but it was ergonomic or some shit, so he gave the go ahead for HR to order them.
His partner in crime- not literally, literally just his business partner, but also his good friend, Jay, paced the room. The guy was a serial dater. Alex wasn’t sure that Jay was much better than the string of ditzy fake breasted, fake lipped, tight assed, short skirted women he went out with. The guy definitely had a type.
You’re rubber and I’m glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
The childhood taunts railroaded through Alex’s mind and he was hard-pressed to keep a straight face. Those girls were definitely rubberish, plastic-ish, okay, same difference, but that didn’t make Jay glue. The guy was like bug repellent, except for women.
“I don’t know,” Alex started. He was going to try and give some sagely business partner, friend advice, but Jay cut him off at the pass.
“Women don’t like a guy that doesn’t have any money. Do you see a bunch of broke guys going out and getting laid all the time? No. Why not? Because women don’t think that’s sexy. They want to be treated like princesses. They want flowers and spa dates and to be taken out to shows. They like nice cars, not old beaters that die on the side of the road. They want to be taken out shopping and bought expensive dresses and shoes and purses.”
“Some women might be able to settle for halfway,” Alex said dryly. “Maybe you should find someone normal and you’d have better results.”
Jay spun and pointed an accusatory finger in Alex’s face. “You’re an ass, you know that?”
Alex shrugged, only mildly offended. “Guilty as charged. I never pretended otherwise.”
“Since we’re all about social experiments here, I have a challenge for you. You seem to know everything about women and dating. You always have some advice for me, but you’re never willing to put your money where your big yap is.”
“First of all, this company isn’t a social experiment. We develop apps for online counseling. That’s hardly an experiment. That helps people. Maybe you should try downloading a couple and talking to someone who knows what they’re doing. They’d probably tell you the same thing I’m telling you. You have to stop dating the wrong kind of woman and you’d get better results. Change the variables in the experiment.”
