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You don’t fucking say. I wonder why.
Max scrubbed his face, resolving to beat something later. “Well, he certainly gave you a bang-up first impression.” Dropping his hands, he canted his head. “But bottoming’s not like that. None of it is. I’m glad you came out of that shit emotionally sound, but that guy was a douchebag, Sean. What he did to you was cruel. Of course you didn’t like it, or anything even related to it. Nobody would. Not one fucking person.” Max held Sean’s gaze. Kept his voice soft. “I want you to let me show how it’s supposed to feel. I won’t hurt you, Sean. I promise.”
* *
Sean studied Max’s face. Saw nothing but sincerity. Well, maybe a little bit of anger, but that was understandable. He’d just told the guy some pretty messed-up shit. And Max had taken it pretty well, thank fuck. Sean hadn’t planned on ever telling him at all, but he’d understood where Max was coming from, realized Max sort of had the right to know. Otherwise, he’d always be apprehensive on some level, always feeling partially in the dark. Something Sean imagined would grow increasingly frustrating over time, and he didn’t want that kind of tension between them.
So he’d told Max all. Well, at least the crux of it. Which was more than he’d ever told anyone else. And wow, the weight that had lifted off his shoulders. It’d been incredible, and entirely unexpected. Sean had no idea harboring that secret all these years had weighed him down so bad. Because other than Max, he hadn’t told anyone. Not one single soul. For all kinds of reasons, really. It’d be awkward as hell, for one. And he didn’t want people’s pity. He didn’t want it to somehow get back to his parents, because he didn’t really want to get Rick in trouble. Or disrupt the man’s friendship with Sean’s dad. But most of all, though he was loathe to admit it, he didn’t want people to think he was a freak. For liking it. For wanting it. Because deep down he knew that what Rick did was wrong. Like really wrong. But Sean just couldn’t find it in him to resent the guy, which seemed to imply that his head wasn’t right.
And maybe it wasn’t. Maybe he was crazy.
After all, only a crazy person would deny himself Max’s touch…
Sean stared into his Dom’s face, wanting desperately to say yes. He hated that he looked like a pussy. But damn it, that shit had hurt so fucking bad. Sean cringed at the memory. The pain would last for days after being with Rick. So crazy, how at the time, Sean had thought all that bullshit was worth it. But he had. Looking back, the reason was ridiculous. He’d loved how Rick held him, kissed him, praised him, declared to Sean his utter devotion. Told Sean he was special so many damn times that Sean finally started to really believe it. Never once did he ever doubt that Rick loved him. And to Sean, that had made all the difference.
But shit, it’d hurt. So impossibly bad. What if it did again?
“Sean,” Max murmured, rubbing Sean’s thighs.
Sean blinked from his thoughts. Looked at Max.
“You said that you’d trust me. Did you mean it? Was it true?”
Sean fidgeted. Nodded. “Yeah. I meant it.”
“Good. ‘Cause I need you to trust me now.”
Sean’s heart pounded wildly. If he did this, said okay, it’d be the first time he’d been penetrated in years. Lots of years. Not since he was fifteen. Even to him that sounded absurdly long. And honestly, outside Max, when would he ever try it voluntarily? Probably never. Guys would ask him to bottom. He’d say no, they’d say fine. No one would encourage him to try a little harder, to overcome this huge thing holding him back. No one except Max, because Max was a hard ass. He doled out that tough-love shit. An effective tactic, truth be told, because it always made Sean want to make him proud. Which, added to the fact that Sean trusted him implicitly, set Max apart from the others. Made him the one and only possible candidate should Sean ever try to bottom again.
Besides, deep down, Sean knew he was being ridiculous, holding on to this clearly-illogical stance. Obviously, guys liked penetration and being bottoms. The ones he’d fucked surely did. God, the sounds and expressions they’d make. They’d been blissing because it’d clearly felt incredible. Sean hadn’t been lost to that, had heard every moan, their heated responses at times making him wistful. That he too could experience so much pleasure that way. Something he’d always believed he wasn’t capable of, like his body just wasn’t built for anal sex. But man, his partners, they’d fucking loved it. Preferred it even, a lot of the time. Needless to say, on most occasions, they were more than happy to accommodate Sean’s request to top.
