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That annoying little lump in his throat made a comeback. “Nope. I can’t. It’s not… It’s not worth it.”
“Yes, it is.”
He shot her an irritated look. “Do you not remember what happened to me the last time I tried?”
Her eyes turned sad. She lifted her chin. “Of course, I do. I’ll never forget. But you have to try again.”
He chuckled darkly. “Oh, no I don’t. One time was enough. In fact, one time was too many.” He could feel it, the agitation starting to rouse. His muscles coiled. “I wish I never fucking met him.”
“No, woodatsi, no. He made you happy.”
“Until he didn’t,” Max grated. “Until the selfish dick fucked me.”
“Don’t speak of him like that,” his mom snapped. “Not ever in my presence. He was a beautiful boy. A good boy. My second son. But he was scared. And heartbroken. Betrayed by his own parents.” Her voice thickened. Her brown eyes glistened. “If we don’t love him properly… who will?”
Max clenched his jaw angrily, refusing to listen, and cut his gaze back to the window. This was the deepest he’d venture into his hellhole of a past. Only thinking of Kevin in a general sense, of the events that transpired in black and white. All the specifics, all the emotions, however, would stay buried forever in his subconscious.
“Max,” his mom murmured. “I just want you to be happy.”
“I’m happy.”
“No, you’re not. Not really.”
“Well, I guess that sucks for me then, because my head won’t let me go there.”
“To hell with your head. Bench it, Max. Play your heart.”
He coughed a bitter laugh. “Heart’s out injured. No go.”
A frustrated exhale met his ears. “You are a strong soul, Max. You always have been. For your father. For me. Even for Kevin. Now it’s time to be strong for yourself.”
Ha. The irony. Like a knee to his nuts. All these years, providing strength for others. Now Max barely had enough for himself.
“Can’t.” He cleared his throat. “I’m not like I used to be.”
“I know you’re not. You’re scarred. But scar tissue’s resilient.”
“No, Mom. I’m broken. I realize that now. Still not fixed after thirteen friggin’ years.” Age-old grief welled fast in his chest, but he shook his head and quickly fought it back. “I thought I’d be better by now. Thought I’d be healed…” He bit his cheek. Gave a miserable shrug. “All I can think is… when I picked up the pieces… I somehow put them back together again wrong… Like a broken bone or something, that didn’t set right.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, his lips curving down. “’Cause I’m wrong, Mom… God, I’m all fucking wrong.”
Outside the window, a pair of birds chirped and played. Max dropped his hand and looked their way, angered by their innate, simple happy. Angered and jealous, but mostly just sad.
His mom regarded him quietly. He could feel the weight of her stare. “There is someone,” she murmured. “I can see it in your eyes. Hear it in your voice when you speak.”
Deny everything. “No.”
She nodded. “Yes. You’re my heart, woodatsi, remember? This kind of thing you can’t hide.”
Great. Max exhaled and rubbed his forehead.
“Tell me about him.”
“No.”
“You’re not leaving until you do.”
Max scowled and grit his teeth—because he knew she wasn’t kidding. Just spit out the basics. So he could get the fuck out of there. “He’s just some guy… Some guy I wasn’t looking for… He, I dunno, just kinda… found me.”
His mom smiled softly. “What’s he like?”
Max exhaled and gave a shrug. “He’s blond… And beautiful… Confident… A handful.” He swallowed and looked down. Closed his eyes. Shook his head. “And he likes me… Wants to be with me, but…” His brows pinched. “I can’t… ‘Cause I’m not strong enough anymore… Not strong enough for two.” God, the truth sucked. His heart pounded restlessly. “Which means I’d lose him, Mom. I’d lose him. Somehow. Someway.” He groaned and shook his head again. “So, I can’t.”
Not now. Not ever.
Because that’s just how shit was.
Not a new concept by any means, one Max had long ago accepted. A precept he’d lived by for over a decade. And yet, for the first time, that precept really pissed him off. Made him furious at the world, at Sean, at himself. But most of all, furious with Kevin. Because he did this to Max. He weakened his constitution. And no tough-Dom front was ever going to fix that.
More happy chirping from those two fucking birds.
Max clenched his jaw and fought back the bitterness. Fought back the resentment and rage.
“Max.” His mom’s voice had turned gentle. Sad. “You’re stronger than you—”
“No,” Max cut her off. “I’m not. And I’m done talking about this. If you can’t respect that then I’m sorry. I’ll see myself out.”
Her shoulders drooped. “Okay... I’ll let it be.”
Max drew in a breath, then let it out slow. “Thank you. Now just… tell me about work or something.”
