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He held the rose to her. A painful memory of him leaning on a school wall with a rose in his hand and the word forever slipping effortlessly from his tongue tightened her chest.
She took the flower and inhaled the sweet scent. “The roses are from you?”
His hair flopped over his forehead as he tilted his face to look down at her. “You drive me to actually being romantic, Miss Jones. Shocking, really.”
Her heart wanted to soar, but she held back. She didn’t want to misinterpret the meaning of his words. “Why would you suddenly become romantic?”
He shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. “A rose for every lash I left on your pretty white skin.”
She stared at the flower in her hand. “You haven’t…” She bit her lip, unable to finish the sentence.
His tone was teasing, but heat filled his eyes. “Spanked you today?”
She cleared her throat. “You didn’t have to. The flowers, I mean. You know I liked it.”
The corner of his mouth lifted. “I never doubted it.”
“Then why the sudden act of romance?”
“Last night, I came to a decision. When I saw that bruise on your cheek, there was a moment I thought I should just give up, walk away, and let you live your life. The problem is I want to own you in the most physical way. I need you like I’ve never needed anyone. I’m afraid I can’t make it without you, Alice, and I’ve decided not to give up. I’m going to fight for you. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you mine. Whatever you want, you just have to say.”
His words were hauntingly beautiful and sad at the same time. They moved her like nothing before and frightened her more than ever. Ivan wanted her body. He was willing to do anything to have it. But she wanted his love, and that, he couldn’t give.
“Ivan, I…” She stared at the rose, twisting the stem between her fingers. “I can’t do this yoyo thing with you, anymore. If you don’t love me, if you can’t love me, you have to set me free.”
He exhaled audibly. There was a small pause before he gripped her chin and forced her to face him.
“Is this,” he motioned between them, “not enough?”
“I want it to be. Honestly, I do, but I want to be more than great sex.”
Closing his eyes, he rested his forehead against hers. “You’re my light, Alice. You’re a rainbow in the darkness.” He pulled away to meet her gaze, again. “Without you, I’m lost. Without you, there’s no peace. If I had a heart, I promise to God it would’ve been yours. You know what I am. I’m a man who spends half his living time in death. There are times my soul is so dark, the only thing that keeps me sane is your face.” Tracing her jaw with his thumb, he continued. “The memory of this face is not enough anymore, not now that I’ve had every inch of you, again. Sex is all I’ve got, but if you give me a chance, I’ll try harder to be the man you want me to be.”
She freed herself gently. “I don’t want you to change. I’ve always loved you for who you are. I still do.”
“Goddammit, Alice.” He lifted his face to the ceiling. From the way his nostrils flared, he was fighting to contain his emotions. Finally, when he looked back at her, an inner battle raged in his eyes. “I can’t tell you the same, and I won’t lie to you.” He clenched his jaw. “I don’t know if I’m capable of loving.”
She could only stare at him as his words twisted like a knife in her heart. Why did it still hurt so much? It wasn’t as if he hadn’t told her before.
“Face it, Alice. You need my crazy as much as I need your normal.”
Conflicted, she wanted him to leave her in peace and not leave her at all. If he stayed, she’d constantly be reminded that she wasn’t enough, at least not enough for him to love. If he left, it would feel like dying. No matter how she looked at it, it hurt.
“I just want to be whole, again,” she whispered. “I’m so tired of feeling broken.”
He cupped her face. “Then let me fix you the only way I know.”
“The only way is not always the right way.”
Hardening his voice, he said with resolve, “I’m not giving up, Alice. I will fight for you as long as I live. Even if it kills me, I swear to God, I will make you happy.”
She was torn in two. If she valued herself, she’d tell him it wasn’t enough, and she’d walk away. Part of the problem was that deep down, she didn’t value herself. Ivan had been right. As long as she didn’t claim back herself and forgive herself for her part in her mother’s death, she’d never move beyond her insecurity. Right now, she didn’t have the strength to deal with it. With the rehearsal tonight and the premier tomorrow, she couldn’t cope with more.
