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“Are you sure? Maybe they just did all that shit in secret.”
“No, I’m sure. The shaming would have driven them out of town.” Matt stiffened, as though he knew what was coming next. He stayed silent though, which was a small mercy. Callie took a deep breath. Her arm tightened on Matt’s chest and reflexively, or maybe because he wanted to, there was more pressure in his arm around her. “I- well, I found out I was pregnant. I knew right away. Even though I was young I’d had my- uh- cycle for a year and I missed it. That never happened. I couldn’t ask anyone, and this was before we really had the internet out there. I would have been too afraid to google it.”
“You were- pregnant?” Matt asked, amazement in his voice.
She expected him to thrust her out of bed, to stare at her and tell her what a wretched person she was, but he didn’t move. He didn’t move at all, just stayed with her, comforting her and protecting her with his solid presence. I’m never going to see him again. I can tell him the rest and then maybe, maybe I can stop thinking about it all the time. Maybe I can just let part of it go…
“I had to tell my mom. She told my dad. They talked with Johnathan’s parents and of course, they wouldn’t do anything about it. They denied everything. Even Johnathan.”
“What? A pastor?”
“Yes.”
“Figures.”
“Does it?”
“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I won’t interrupt you again.” There was no judgment in Matt’s voice and Callie felt safe enough to continue.
“My mom said she knew for a fact that her daughter wasn’t a liar. She swore everyone to secrecy, and she did what she thought was best. She tried to spare me the shaming of the entire town. Of having to go to school, at fourteen, pregnant. The town probably would have driven my parents out. Not with pitchforks and fire, but with angry glares and harsh words. It’s just as bad you know. The shame of it.”
“Yes. Words hurt far worse.”
“I got sent to live with my mom’s sister in San Diego. It would have been a nice vacation. I liked my aunt. She was nice to me. She never once made me feel like I was an evil person. I guess she figured the damage was already done. She wasn’t like my parents. She didn’t have that small-town mentality. She wasn’t judgmental or harsh. I went there because she really wanted to help me.”
“Sounds like she was a good person when you needed her most.”
“Yes. She was. And then- at two and a half months, I started bleeding. It was just a few spots. My aunt freaked out and even though the nurses we saw at the hospital said it was normal for a bit of spot bleeding, I had an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. None. They sent me home. They thought I would miscarry there, but I didn’t. I went to the hospital two days later. They did- well they did the surgery to remove the pregnancy. My aunt was there the entire time. It was just a short procedure, a few hours. I was out for it and when I woke back up, I needed a few hours to recover and then she took me home.”
“Jesus- Callie…”
“I went back home after. To my parent’s house. They all pretended like it never happened. I wasn’t gone long enough for anyone to think anything of it. My parents had made something up about an exchange program or something or trying to go live in San Diego with my aunt because I wanted to take some more challenging courses than what was offered in a small town, some bullshit like that. Everyone believed it. No one knew. And those that did, my mom, my dad, my sister- they never talked about it. I- I went through this thing, this horrible thing, and no one would say a word to me. I had to grieve completely alone. I didn’t know how to do that at fourteen.”
“Does anyone at any age?”
“I had a life inside of me. A baby that I wanted. I was fourteen, but I would have fought for it. My mom didn’t go that far as to talk about options, but I knew that I was keeping it. I would have done anything, anything for us. For me and that child. Anything it took to survive and keep us together.”
“Of course. That’s what being a mother is.”
“And I’ve been alone in it. So alone. For the past ten years. I told Ben the night before our wedding, like I said, because I thought he should know. He left.”
“How could he just- how could he just leave you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe he never wanted to be married to me in the first place. Things were- stale anyway. It wasn’t right. It was probably a blessing.”
